A lot to think about..

Well as I sit here writing this I know I have at least 10 other things I should be doing that are a hell of a lot more productive. Yet I find my mind wondering.

I PRed in a marathon on Saturday and the last two days have just been plain lazy, no school work got done very little house work got tackled I've just been plain shelled, nuked, cooked, roasted, to stiff to move ad adjectives and adverbs here. My grandfather gets back tomorrow so I need the house to be in somewhat nice shape so that's the game plan for tonight, vacuum make sure all of my crap is in my room all that.

One of my professors stated that I shouldn't be working full time through college...I hate when people tell me that..maybe its the truth I should quit my job go on welfare, quit triathlon until I get my degree and become a full bore academic...but then again what kind of life would that lead too, after all people already look at me when I have 6 heads when I think of a 5000 yard swim workout as fun, I can only imagine the response when a 50-100lbs. heavier version of me thinks that looking over documents from the late 15th Century Spanish sailors will give me as much joy as a bicycle on a cloudless day with no traffic... not happening, I work to pay for my schooling and my hobby that gives me sanity..sanity being a relative term.

Is wanting to go to New Zealand worth it? Part of me really wants to go back but the other side of the coin wants to get things settled up at home, get my degree/ better paying gig, but the other part of me chimes in with the " if you wait until everything is in perfect order to live your life, you will die without ever having lived." Conflicting messages..and the dropping value of the New Zealand dollar is really making me considering this as a real possibility...

A high end Half Iron is moving in on my traditional training grounds lots of pros and hoopla, part of me wants in because it might make a good story if a local boy tries to compete with the big dogs, and the psychological edge of knowing I am familiar with the course makes it hard for me to decide if I should do it. My heart/ athlete is saying go and the checkbook/ intellectual is saying no.

I often feel like I look at life in a very negative lens, often feeling like every decision is damned if I do damned if I don't. Can't I ever just make a decision and be happy with it. Why does everything in my life have some crazy bizzare extreme moral consequence. Part of me feels my heart really isn't into school this semester, I have some good classes but I just can't get focused on things, especially with all the bullshit going on at home, and all the crap that hit me this summer... things are starting to settle down but it's just rough I can't wait until winter break so I can take some time off settle down and focus on what needs to be done. I need to breathe but it just feels like one of my professors is putting rocks on my chest...I can't devote my entire life to one project, I'm an undergrad not a doctorial student, so why do you want me hauling all over hell and back for one paper...ok so the topic is interesting but it's more of a grad level project....and next smester I have my thesis fun....

Sorry for spewing all this crap but it's been on my mind and it just feels good to get it out there..since I have very few people to talk to and most of my time is taken up by work school and training, my blogs are my sounding boards. So this week no training not until Saturday, I've made that line in the sand firm, I'm going to research and study, focus on getting myself where I want to be and come Saturday I'll get my ass back on the bike and start training for what ever is next on the calendar, whether it's Taupo in March or a Middlebury Triple Header in June/July..I know I have at least one half and one full Iron on the calendar so I need to get busy.

Fear

"Fear leads to Pain, pain leads to Anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads suffering all of these to the dark side of the force lead"-Yoda

Well I'm going to admit it, I'm damn terrified of racing on Saturday. While I've tried to comically laugh it off, get my ego boosted and what not, that DNF is still playing head games. The problem of dropping out is you're afraid you will drop out again, that the unholy sin of giving up will lead down a slippery slope of quitting at the first sign of adversity...and eventually to not even trying at all.

And so the doubt piles up: Am I good enough? Will I follow this through? Do I suck as bad as I think I do? All these words poison to the confidence and the soul.
So how does one defeat fear?
I don't know by overcoming doubt I guess, I really wish it would be as easy as psyching my self up like a Celtic Berzerker having a friend beat my bare gut with a wiffle ball bat while screaming testosterone fueled grunts causing anyone in a 10 foot radius to slowly start backing away...definiately would make the mass start go a little smoother...or get me in the short line for a psych eval.
Perhaps it is as easy a deciding not to be afraid, to just look at the distances on paper choke up the DNF to shitty circumstances, and handle it.
I guess the other fear is just quite frankly not having what it takes...to maybe follow some of my professors' advice and just dedicate myself to improving my mind and leaving sport to the real athletes to know my future lies in a lecture hall, office, or at a lectern instead of the start line in Kona, Hopkington, or the Verrazano Narrows Brigde...that's the fear that hits the most, the fear of being inadequate, that what I desire most will never come to me...that maybe I should get my head out of the clouds and just focus on what I'm good at.

Fear maybe healthy but it is by no means good.

Sell Out....

Well this blog has turned into a sounding board for my frustrations rather than a tool for artistic expressions but at least it lives up to the title of what's on my mind...that and it's cheaper and less emotional than therapy.

Well two nights ago I sat down for dinner with my parents, and apparently the topic of what I was going to do after college came up.
My parents want me to go into personal training and every time I try to explain there's no money in it at the moment, they don't believe me. Now I might consider it as side job, but I'm not going to put all my eggs in that basket. So then the big question came "What are you going to do?" Well this lead into my mother's infamous "if you're not doing what I think you should do then you'll never be happy" series of shoot downs.

I said I might try moving up within the bank...maybe use that whole tuition reimbursement thing, try to get myself some corporate gig.

Enter the objections: If finance gets you stressed out why do it as a career. Also isn't that where all the layoffs are happening....

My rationale :there is damn good money in finance..work for 20 years pay off some debts get myself secure..bada bing bada boom I can then finance other career alternatives/ investments. although in the midst of the greatest crisis since the Great Depression, this world is full of hair cuts, pay cuts, and job cuts.....

Teaching, Once I get my degree I really don't want to do it but worst case senario I know I can get a job as a teacher in the private schools the pay isn't great but it's steady income...

Objections: If the pay isn't great and it won't make you happy why do it....
My Rationale: Worst case at the end of the day it's a paycheck and that's all that counts.

Her Suggestion: Get your real estate licence....

My objection: ( not spoken) Yes so I can prosper like you guys in this wonderful housing market... also it seems like she wants a family dynasty in the same business....

Rationale: I see the rationale behind her suggestion, the market will not stay tanked forever..and it could be decent money... not really hard work..she's suggesting it as part time work..and one or two sales could be substatial supplemental income...not a total shoot down....as a part time job...

In essence it seems once again I'm at the cross roads where I'm thinking with check book in mind and they are thinking with the do what you love mentality...am I totally shooting down their suggestions..no..but I need some that pays decent and has stability...stability is the key. I figure as long as I've got enough to pay my bills, enter a few races, and I have enough time to train and my weekends pretty much to myself then I'll be happy. Does this rule out that I won't be doing personal training or real estate, or being a tri guru eventually hell no...but I need to settle my self first..maybe it's good life planning or maybe it's me selling out..in either case I have to do what is in my best interest...
R.D.

2008 The review so far....

Alright I haven't posted on this blog in a while and this post will most likely be getting cut and pasted to my other blog

2007 was an amazing year and I was hoping 2008 was going to equal or surpass it. In some ways it did, I did my first Ironman, left the country ( US and its possessions I went to St. Croix in 03) for the first time in almost 20 years. I met some good friends along the way, and raced and trained more than I thought possible in a season. I was sponsored for most of the season, and raced some major events, with good results..in some ways 2008 was a banner year.

2008 was a rough year in other ways, my father lost his job and he and my mother took commission based positions in a volatile market, this put some strain in my finances as I owe my parents for paying off my bill for my sophomore year at Fordham, and I have helped where I can with what I can, and sometimes with what I don't technically have ( ie credit.) The fact that I had helped last year along with the expenses of commuting to school, buying a new bike, entering about 7 -8 races last season and a little trip to the Southern Hemisphere didn't help my situation, so when I found out about a laspe before severance kicked in I gave money that would have paid one of my bills for life expenses, this and a delay and reduction in my expected stimulus package put me behind the 8-ball and forced me to borrow from my parents and grand parents to race Patriot and Eagleman. I sold off my road bike to a friend to finance RI 70.3, In essence I was in deep shit and had to put a freeze on race entries in May I only recently was able to get out with the help of a student loan which went to cover the gas and book charges on my cards from last year. My tri season essentially ended on Sunday with a DNF at Nutmegman, I guess a fitting end to the nightmare my season had become, maybe I should have just ended it back in July with RI 70.3 and the high note I had, but 2 months of training runs and rides would have seemed wasted if I didn't roll the dice just one more time, as with all gambles sometimes you end up with snake eyes.

As for 2009 many of you know I was planning on doing IM New Zealand again I'm going to wait and see how things pan out over the next month if I have the entry fee in October and I either have a homestay arranged through my friend Catherine or the race staff, then I'll go to Taupo in March if not then I will use the money saved for other life endeavors..that's my ultimatum to myself no cheap lodging no go...simple.

If New Zealand doesn't happen I'm might do a cheaper alternative and race the Country Music Marathon again ....just to see if I can beat my first time there, also it gives me an excuse to see an old friend.

IM Arizona is on the schedule ( either tomorrow or Wednesday I'll grab the paper work to re-register the Central Tri Club..so Bjoern and I will be reimbursed our entries.) I was there for Bjoern's first half and I'll be there for his first full, we train together and push one another to the next level so there's no doubt a PR is in both our futures.

The Griskus Sprint ( Surprise) is always on my schedule..it was my first tri I'll keep racing it unless I move off the East Coast.

Patriot is on I was there for the inaugural which was also my first half, so I'm going back for more.

RI 70.3 and Eagleman aren't on the list for next season not because I don't like them but the cost is an issue if I race an Ironman or hopefully 2 if the budget allows, I won't have the cash flow to race all over hell and back, a hard lesson from 08 but a valuable one. I do plan on doing Eagleman again in either 10 or 11 when I've gotten myself set up and have a better idea of what kind of cash I can throw at the sport.

Nutmegman is on the list as it is a final tune up for Arizona as well as the race now owes me big. I have never DNFed before in my life and it leaves a terrible taste in my mouth even if the choice to drop out is the right one.

So in the grand scheme of things I have anywhere from 4-6 races planned, plans always change, I may add or subtract depending on life, training, cash, mindset, I may decide to inflate my rather deflated USAT ranking and do more sprints and intermediate distance races, I may decide to focus on the unglorious task of training and go "into the basement" for 3-4 months just cranking out workouts, whatever I do I am confident that 2009 will be better than 2008, and it will not end with a DNF....which the Hartford Marathon and half marathon are coming up I may yet end 2008 on a high note...

R.D.

What really matters

Well, in the past few days I have been reminded quite rudely of my place in society. I am a lower working class plebe. I had to rely on the mercy of my mechanic to get my car fixed, I maxed out one of my credit card on books, I still am behind on a couple of bills, and my parent's situation looks like it's going to get worse before it gets better, my grandfather is looking at a more cost effective housing situation which means I might be looking for a roommate in a few months. I have put Ironman New Zealand on the chopping block and am sharpening the axe. I can't, despite all my passionate crap, justify spending the money to go, while part of me wants desperately to use student loan money and my credit cards to finance it, the other part of me is remembering I was in the same boat last year..and look where I ended up. Sure I was happy doing the race socializing, and visiting a country that I would never in my wildest dreams thought I would go to....but was the financial cost worth it, is a week of happiness worth a year of misery. My father leaving/losing his job hurt, I felt like a bum borrowing money for Eagleman and Rhode Island, knowing it was tight. I should have skipped and used the money to pay debts, so that's what I'm debating to do with New Zealand. It may not be good in the short term but in the long term it will pay off, especially if I have rent and utilities to contend with. Also it comes at a crucial time during the school year, can I really justify missing a week to 2 weeks of class, when I'm on the cusp of graduating, and might need the same money for summer courses. My degree and fiscal health are what matters, racing and happiness can wait after all it is better to be stable than happy.

A caged animal

" The world is a scary place now that you've woken up the demon in me."

-Disturbed's Down with the Sickness.

Well I haven't raced in about two months. It seriously has felt like an eternity. It killed me a little to be on the sidelines as some of my favorite races took place without me. At the same time it has allowed me to put some perspective on my life. I need to get myself into a better postion in life. I don't want to end up like my parents or my grandparents, living their whole lives struggling to get by, but at the same time I don't want to be such a miser that I let life pass me by. I was looking at entering Brandford's Hammerfest Triathlon, but upon seeing the entry fee increase decided better of it. So my last attempt at a tri is going to be the Nutmegman Half Iron. I hoping 2 months of pent up energy and frustration will allow me to unleash my fury and aguish on my competiton and that there shall be a wailing, moaning, and grinding of teeth in Southbury, CT on Sept. 21 like there never has been or shall be again, granted my partner in destruction and biggest competition is across the pond in Austria....Bjoern this one's for you buddy! The last two months have been like having my wings clipped, most likely for my better good realizing that as a broke college student I can not compete like a pro or a financially sucessful middle aged age grouper. I need to plan my races better , which is why next year my schedule will be a little more limited. I'm hoping to be able to pull off Ironman New Zealand again, but I'm officially playing that by ear, I will be doing Ironman Arizona next November so if I'm not racing in August/ Spetember I can chalk it up to higher training volume.. but regardless, going into the Nutmeg Half Iron, my cycling is the strongest it's ever been, granted I know I need a little more improving, my swimming is back in it's usually front of the pack shape, and my running well, it's lacked a little bit but I'm no slower than I usually am, depending on the field that shows up I'm confident that I can be a force to be reckoned with....especially with 2 of the big names in my age group sitting out this year. So on September 21, as I charge into the water for the first time in 2+ months I feel confident for my chances at a podium and a sub 5 performance. So now it's just waiting on putting up my entry and kicking this pig.
R.D.

A life less ordinary

Yesterday, at me grandmother's funeral, the deacon from my parish came up to me and said " so Bob when are you going to start studying to become a deacon?" For those who aren't Catholic, Orthodox, or Anglican, a deacon in these religions is sort of "Priest Lite" you can do everything a priest does, except hear confessions and preform the concencration of Holy Communion or in Catholicism, the most significant part of the mass. I made the comment " When I find the right girl." In the Cathlolic Church once you're ordained you can't get married, deacons can be married but can't remarry if their wife dies, they back this idea in scripture with St. Paul's "be as I am." so because Paul was a lonely bugger all priests have to be lonely buggers, granted in the middle ages Priests could marry but the Church stopped this because they were losing parish lands on the deal, afterall if Father Bob's eldest son didn't want to be a priest he still inherited the parish, and could do with the lands what he wanted..not good if you're the bishop/Vatican and you forked over mucho dinero for that land. Irregardless, I placed a lot of thought on why 2 years ago I thought ordination might be on my to do list but now is sort of a "maybe if life doesn't go as planned, or leads me to it" deal.

1. For as much as I'm devout I do have some issues with church ordination policy. I believe married men should become priests ( maybe not in the religious orders like the Monforts, Franciscans and Jesuits where community living is not conducive to family life.) but for for the local diocese it would definitely help with the priest shortage, and the clergy could better related to the people. Also I believe women should be ordained as deaconesses ( not priests because priest are representative of the 12 apostles who sadly from what we're told, we all dudes.). The role of the deacon at mass is to proclaim the gospel and assist the priest,and help bring the sacraments to the people. In Jesus's day women were responsible for the same role, I think it's time they retake their postion within the clergy.

2. Triathlon is an expensive sport and demanding lifestyle, similarly priests and deacons are called to live humbly and be available to their parishoners at all hours. It's sort of hard to do an Ironman out of town, when people might need to call you suddenly to give their relatives the last rites, or baptize their kid, or marry them....Also how can you preach about humilty and giving up everything for God when you have a $8k carbon fiber rocket chilling in the sacristy.

3.My politics don't always reflect my faith. The church is trying to influence politics especially in Gay rights. Gay rights , for me is cut and dry. We believe in sepreation of church and state. The state wants to give civil rights, marriages/unions, benefit rights to homosexuals. I believe they should afterall these are rights all CITIZENS are guaranteed. The church however doesn't have to reciprocate the Church doesn't recognized civil marriage between a man and a woman the Church doesn't have to recognized marrigae between two dudes or two ladies, unless the college of cardinals and Il Papa decide to.

4. I don't think of myself as pro-life or pro-choice I think of myself as pro-mercy, and pro-compassion.

5. I may not want to marry and pop out little Bob's right now but it could be a real possiblity down the line. Also knowing my luck I'll get ordained go through all the steps to become a priest and after mass number 1 find Miss Right at the communion rail....Lord have Mercy.

6. Don't get me started on Birth Control, In Humane Vitae ( On Human Life by Paul VI which , say what you will about him, he did have a good understanding of corporate greed.), some people use birth control to prevent kids, others use it to regulate themselves to have kids, it's a gray area and it's not as black and white as somepeople would like it to be.

7. I really don't look good in black.....

8. I love the ritual, and sprituality, and good nature of the Catholic faith, but I hate all the political BS, wasn't there something on give to Ceasar what is Ceasar's and give to God what is God's. Also isn't God supposed to be a meciful almost parental force instead of a mean jugdemental tyrant.

9. I don't really believe there is one TRUE faith, all religons have aspects of truth, Catholic Christianity is what brings me closer to God, and forms how I should try to be a good person how dare I condemn a Born Again Christain, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Flying Spaghetti Monster worshiper, if their faith does the same for them. Afterall I think God gives brownie points for being a good person.

10. I'm too much of a smart alec, if the rest of the top 10 list hasn't given that away, I'd be a conservative bishop's worst nightmare. As it is some groups are probably screaming for my excommunication.

Well that's it from me.