Freak...

" Yo Adrian, you know how I said all that stuff they said about me on TV didn't hurt....It did." - Rocky.

Well after tagging one of my friends on facebook, one of her friends made the comment of " Why did that freak tag you in an album." I guess that's what I am I'm a freak. I'm used to being hated and detested...part of the reason I do triathlon. The long hours in the saddle, on the road of in the pool take away from my loneliness...my not belonging, that inner ache and pain I feel when I see people happy together, knowing that it is most likely not in my future. I train through the pain, through the heartache, through the fact that I don't fit in and realistically never will. I don't have to deal with "the" People or "normal" people...I deal with freaks like me. The type of freaks who talk about carbon fiber over aluminum, kettle bells and squats, New Balance over Asics, Speedo vs. TYR. I guess somewhere in our freakhood we find camaraderie. We are freaks so what. Some of us are lucky and we met other freaks who we hit it off we, we get married and have freak children and then they laugh at the normal people as they hate life. For others like me we remain single freaks, knowing not even our fellow freaks quite understand us. We find some friends some solace but at the end of the day feel we're too freaky for the rest of the freaks. It hurts, it is a cold sting of reality everytime that word is thrown around but I guess it reminds me why I train and why I train like a rabid animal...no amount of physical pain can hurt me like some of the mental and emotional abuse I have taken. Buddha states "All life is suffering, all suffering is caused by desire, suffering can be over come by non-attachment." The more I reflect on my life the more I agree, my suffering comes from my desire to be normal to be accepted, my training helps me let go of attachment to that desire. Not necessarily Zen or what he had in mind but it works for me. So why part of me feels the pain that I will probably never be able to have a decent realtionship, or have the approval of my peers, the other realizes that this just serves as more fuel, to train harder, to train longer to become faster...so go ahead call me a freak...It hurts, but it gives me focus.
R.D.

Tilting at a windmill?

On Tuesday night down in NZ a group of us were sitting at the pub waiting for food. The usual tri geek speak came up. Talk about races, Kona Qualifiers, fastest bike splits, best way to shave legs, how much riding the trainer sucks. Then one person asked us Why New Zealand?
The usual chorus of Answers came up "Just wanted to do it." "Doesn't sell out" "Get me out of the Canadian/Mid-Western/ Northeastern Winter." The question was then posed to me...I tried to go with the "It doesn't sell out like the NA sports events route" But I guess that pint of Speights loosened my tongue a little bit. "Well I sort of have a friend down here that I wanted to see again...I had met her last year when I did this..." before you could say hopeless romantic, the cry came out "You're doing Ironman because of a girl? Wow!" Alright I'll admit it it's a little far fetched even for me. I'm Mr. Afraid of committing to anyone with a set of Double X chromosomes. But there was something about her... also the fact that she had driven 3 hours to see me and a few of her friends in town. Part of me feels how feel toward her is stupid, she has a boyfriend, she is happy, how the hell could I take care of a relationship this long distance, hell I couldn't even hold up with a girl an hour drive away let alone an 18 hour flight. She is a good friend, I can talk to her like one of the guys, no pretensions, just plainly ,simply, and frankly. I can be me. She accepts me for who I am and I do likewise, I'm at ease around her, I don't have to be something I'm not. Maybe that's why I like being around her....maybe that's why as much as my heart wants to, but I won't pursue her ( I don't want to be a D-bag to her BF...if she picked him he's got to be doing something right because she doesn't take shit from anybody.) To go after her would be like being like Don Quixote tilting at a windmill, gallant, chivalrous, and completely misplaced and borderline idiotic....but prehaps that is the entire context of love....we go in a full charge,bordering on insanity, hoping not to land flat on our asses...with everyone telling us how much of a moron we were we come to our senses. When we land flat, our hearts crushed into millions of pieces and we vow not to be as foolish ever again. We look at maybe being alone isn't so bad...we prepare for a life devoted to careers, sport and solitude only to have our foolish adventurer once again reawakened and once again find ourseleves charging full speed into the unknown...into ruin, heroics, misplaced courage we never knew we had...but for me I just can't seem to bring myself to pursue...I'm content to have her as a friend and am oh so afraid to have her leave my life...
So why did I go to New Zealand? Was I titlting at a windmill? Maybe in one aspect, but in another I got to touch base with good friend.

Never say never....

6 months ago this wasn't happening...
No way no how, no chance...No money..no motivation, nothing...I had to watch a boat load of you tube videos to keep myself from ebaying my bike...it wasn't going to happen until I made it happen.
a $400 dollar gamble...should have spent the money on other things, paid bills, only 4 months in the dead of winter to train.

3 months ago...this wasn't happening...only 3 months to train for an Ironman in the coldest winter in decades...snow and cold every weekend no way to train out doors...just hopping on the treadmill and the trainer if it wasn't bad 8-10 miles outside...there was no way that this cold prep me for an ironman could it?
The weather broke...managed to get some out door runs and rides in again, sucked it up and was ridding the trainner from 2-4 hours 3 days a week.

1 month ago ..this wasn't happening...my ortho shows me the x-ray of y ankle..."you've got microtears in your tendon...you should stay off it for atleast month."
"I've got an ironman in 6 weeks " I shout back...
"You can swim" he replies...
"Can I bike?"
"Well"
CAN I BIKE?" I say more firmly knowing if I can't cycle it's truly game over.
"Yes" he says reluctantly
"I there anything that can heal my leg faster? " I ask
" Anti-inflamatories although it will only take about a week off."
3 weeks of no run training and just pushing the swim and the bike...surely the sart thing is to drop out....

1Week ago...I can't believe this is happening...flight's booked, bike's packed I managed to get the last of my long training in...I actually feel ready....
For all the reasons it shouldn't of happen, couldn't have happended it is happening...

again.