A stupid dream?

"You've got a good life, don't give it all up to go chase a stupid dream." - Mr.Ruteger in Rudy.

Well as I sit here looking at some of my bills trying to number crunch if sending my general entry in for Ironman Arizona is worth it.Part of me has always lived with the idea of don't give upsure things for maybes,or possiblies, or could happens. This summer I came the closest to giving up the sport I ever had in my life.My dad lost his job and for about a month I was the pesudo bread winner. I felt like a bum when I borrowed gas money from my grandfather to go and race Eagleman and for a while I debated if racing was worth it. 2008 was over ambitious I had planned on a high level racing season and was pretty much wiped out by mid-July.The races I had entered without knowing what was to come,had I known the harship that was going to strike I would have never entered half the races I did. Part of me last summer really felt like selling the bikes taking on a second job and letting my dream of a Kona start die forever. Now as I sit here in late 08 looking at entering a qualifier I am in the same debate. Bills which I know I will have to pay regardless,or a chance to race for that golden fleece. I feel like an addict gambler, will I give anything for another roll of the dice. Is it worth it? Will it only lead to my destruction? Should I do what a few people have suggested to me and go back to the minors race the training series and tri for funs only for a few years before making a bid at Hawaii, or do I side with that demon that has been whispering in my ear since day one : Quit,you're not cut out for this, you're no athlete, you'll never be a champion, everytime you race that's money that could go to a bill, or to your parents, or to someone who needs it...."the doubts build and steam roll. they hit like thousands of daggers and the weight of the world pushes them deeper, each news report of global recession, job cuts, hiring freezes, each dream of trying to move up from my working class roots, from the kid who could never be a champion feels like it's being thwarted. That's when I feel like siding with the doubts, the naysayers, letting this "stupid dream"die I wonder if it's worth fighting for,part of me realizes that sometimes these dreams are the only thing that help me muttle through the day, through the tedium, through the over look promotions, the extra hours I sign up for, the long boring hours between work and class, yet the other part of me wonders is it at all worth it? Is it worth the blood sweat and tears? The money? Especially the money...does the ends justify the means?
R.D.