" Do no harm..." -Hippocrates
Do no harm to others
that's what I try to live by.
I internalize my anger on myself
because I do not want to hurt others.
Cause others no pain
Despite the fact they are hurting you
Despite the fact they are poisoning your soul
Despite the fact they are crushing your dreams
Say nothing because by screaming out you will cause them and yourself incredible torment.
Do not strike out
Turn the other cheek
Forgive Forget
Bear your cross
Destroy the self
Blame yourself even if it's not your fault
That's how I've tried to live...
I am tired of it.
In trying not to cause pain
I have made myself it's slave
I have let it poison my mind
I have let it poison my body
I have let it destroy who I want to be.
No more...
I'm tired of pain
I'm tired of torment
I'm tired of making myself feel unworthy to protect others
I'm tired of acting against my best interest...
So I cast you off fear...
I cast you off self loathing...
I cast you off doubt, failure, scorn and ridcule...
I cast you off self implied obligation...I cannot save those who are unwilling to help themselves...
But most of all I cast you off pain....
I'm tired of the grief you caused me...
Go infect someone else
You are not wanted
You are not welcome
I am not thankful for you
So get the Hell out!
I am done with you pain!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thoughts that go through you head during after a fall...
Josie this one's for you.
Shit!
This is gonna hurt!
Man I hope there's no one behind me..
Maybe I should have spent more time at work...
That's my life...man it was short!
(Thud) Oooof tuck and roll!
Is the bike ok?
Ok toes move...
Fingers...
ok not paralyzed...
Is the bike ok...
Can't move the left/right shoulder, hope I didn't break the collarbone...ok I can move it...what about the bike?
Oh man that scrape is gonna look sexy...the bike looks ok...can I still ride?
Oh man blood stains and scuff marks on my favorite jersey...
I hope I don't have a hole in the ass of my bike shorts...
The frame's not cracked...that brake lever is a little out of place, hold the front wheel ( Twist) much better...
Wheels...ok spinning through the brakes...
Tires aren't flat? Nope ...good.
Anyone got a bandaid?
Alright clip in...carry on...
Shit!
This is gonna hurt!
Man I hope there's no one behind me..
Maybe I should have spent more time at work...
That's my life...man it was short!
(Thud) Oooof tuck and roll!
Is the bike ok?
Ok toes move...
Fingers...
ok not paralyzed...
Is the bike ok...
Can't move the left/right shoulder, hope I didn't break the collarbone...ok I can move it...what about the bike?
Oh man that scrape is gonna look sexy...the bike looks ok...can I still ride?
Oh man blood stains and scuff marks on my favorite jersey...
I hope I don't have a hole in the ass of my bike shorts...
The frame's not cracked...that brake lever is a little out of place, hold the front wheel ( Twist) much better...
Wheels...ok spinning through the brakes...
Tires aren't flat? Nope ...good.
Anyone got a bandaid?
Alright clip in...carry on...
Friday, April 24, 2009
Silence...
It's wanting to speak...but not
It's wanting to express the inexpressible
It's not making any rational sense and not wanting to look like an idiot
It's keeping your mouth shut when all you want to do is scream
It's your heart and mind not being in synch
It's vowing to yourself...I will say I will tell it...I wall scream it from the rooftop....tomorrow...or the day after....or maybe the third Wednesday of next month
It's having millions of thoughts bouncing all over the place, without organization, with out flow, without meaning and not letting the world see the inner chaos
It's being so terribly afraid of what would happen if you spoke
It's peaceful
It's deafening
It's light as a feather
It's heavy as a boulder
It is Silence.
It's wanting to express the inexpressible
It's not making any rational sense and not wanting to look like an idiot
It's keeping your mouth shut when all you want to do is scream
It's your heart and mind not being in synch
It's vowing to yourself...I will say I will tell it...I wall scream it from the rooftop....tomorrow...or the day after....or maybe the third Wednesday of next month
It's having millions of thoughts bouncing all over the place, without organization, with out flow, without meaning and not letting the world see the inner chaos
It's being so terribly afraid of what would happen if you spoke
It's peaceful
It's deafening
It's light as a feather
It's heavy as a boulder
It is Silence.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Run Focus...
I'll admit it my mind is all over the place when I'm running. I must be suffering ADD. Afterall how else can you explain not focusing in class when it's an extremely beautiful day and you'd rather be out on the bike or running instead of focusing on the French fry ritual of Potato Worshipers of Western Latvia, or falling asleep in class while you analyze the intricacies of Tort law in Business Law class after sitting in class rooms for the past 7 hours...yep I need to be put on Ritalin and gallons of it. Wait what did this post begin as again...
Alright my rant about needing to medicate any body that goes against the grain or isn't a good little corporate zombie is over*
But seriously I do need to focus more while I run. I find that I spend alot of time day dreaming, fantasizing, and having delusions of grandeur, instead of focusing on my body, my breathing, my stride rate, the asphalt directly in front of me. Maybe the keeping my mind in lala land is a good thing then I can't notice that twitching of my Achilles tendon, the slight tightness in my hip flexors, the gentle burning of my hamstrings and the unmerciful pounding of asphalt on my shins, calves, and feet, the fact that I still have X miles to go. The fact that it's cold, windy,and pouring rain or boiling with 100% humidity, and I ran out of water/sports drink Y miles ago. Maybe it's not a good thing to leave this realm because then I don't focus as much on the punk in front of me, how much sweat I'm losing and how I should replace it, how fast my pace is versus what my ideal pace is and bring the two together. But then again focusing on such things would make me OCD. That's a whole new set issues. You know how OCD steam rolls first it's focusing too much on my running, then on how I tie my shoes, then on my nutrition...hell before you know it I'm debating on which tomatoes to buy based on their content of antioxidants and my free time is spent focusing on cleaning all the pebbles out of every crevice on my running shoes, because they add 2.0X10 ^-5 (0.000002) grams of weight or have a 1 in 10 billion shot of causing an injury....hell Spending more time preparing to run than running itself. Being in lala land sounds better than being more meticulous than an IRS auditor. Also my ADD approach to training on my long runs hasn't hurt me. I mean my track workouts and races are where I focus, going into that Kona smoking Macca..Cam Brown..Crowie fantasy maybe completely unrealistic ...but it helps keep me out of "shoot self" mode on my 20 mile long run. Perhaps it can be said on a long run not focusing helps me to focus in some bizarre way. I went on a 20 mile long run with the Angry Runner a while back (like 2007), but the one thing he said as looped back at one point was " How the hell do you not get bored doing this shit?" I guess I had never really thought about it before then, because I was just naturally in the zone... and even with my helter skelter thoughts bouncing all over the place, I was still running 4:00 marathon pace. So should I change my running style if it's what works for me? I don't think so but part of me always wonders am I doing enough to get faster. I guess the athlete's mind is a lot like a line from Macbeth " A lot of Sound and Fury Signifying Nothing."
R.D.
*I am not against the use of psychological medication in instances where it is warranted...ie severe depression, schizophrenia,bipolar disorder, etc. I just feel when you are watching commercials that describe common feelings and they are telling you that you are suffering from ABCXYZ and need to be put on massive doses of medication it's a little excessive. Please let's save the meds for people who really need them.
Alright my rant about needing to medicate any body that goes against the grain or isn't a good little corporate zombie is over*
But seriously I do need to focus more while I run. I find that I spend alot of time day dreaming, fantasizing, and having delusions of grandeur, instead of focusing on my body, my breathing, my stride rate, the asphalt directly in front of me. Maybe the keeping my mind in lala land is a good thing then I can't notice that twitching of my Achilles tendon, the slight tightness in my hip flexors, the gentle burning of my hamstrings and the unmerciful pounding of asphalt on my shins, calves, and feet, the fact that I still have X miles to go. The fact that it's cold, windy,and pouring rain or boiling with 100% humidity, and I ran out of water/sports drink Y miles ago. Maybe it's not a good thing to leave this realm because then I don't focus as much on the punk in front of me, how much sweat I'm losing and how I should replace it, how fast my pace is versus what my ideal pace is and bring the two together. But then again focusing on such things would make me OCD. That's a whole new set issues. You know how OCD steam rolls first it's focusing too much on my running, then on how I tie my shoes, then on my nutrition...hell before you know it I'm debating on which tomatoes to buy based on their content of antioxidants and my free time is spent focusing on cleaning all the pebbles out of every crevice on my running shoes, because they add 2.0X10 ^-5 (0.000002) grams of weight or have a 1 in 10 billion shot of causing an injury....hell Spending more time preparing to run than running itself. Being in lala land sounds better than being more meticulous than an IRS auditor. Also my ADD approach to training on my long runs hasn't hurt me. I mean my track workouts and races are where I focus, going into that Kona smoking Macca..Cam Brown..Crowie fantasy maybe completely unrealistic ...but it helps keep me out of "shoot self" mode on my 20 mile long run. Perhaps it can be said on a long run not focusing helps me to focus in some bizarre way. I went on a 20 mile long run with the Angry Runner a while back (like 2007), but the one thing he said as looped back at one point was " How the hell do you not get bored doing this shit?" I guess I had never really thought about it before then, because I was just naturally in the zone... and even with my helter skelter thoughts bouncing all over the place, I was still running 4:00 marathon pace. So should I change my running style if it's what works for me? I don't think so but part of me always wonders am I doing enough to get faster. I guess the athlete's mind is a lot like a line from Macbeth " A lot of Sound and Fury Signifying Nothing."
R.D.
*I am not against the use of psychological medication in instances where it is warranted...ie severe depression, schizophrenia,bipolar disorder, etc. I just feel when you are watching commercials that describe common feelings and they are telling you that you are suffering from ABCXYZ and need to be put on massive doses of medication it's a little excessive. Please let's save the meds for people who really need them.
Monday, April 6, 2009
I can't believe I did that....
no I'm not talking about the ironman, or my bizzare training and class schedule. Last night out I called Catherine...before any one says "do you know what that will do to your phone bill?" I am not as dumb as I look and act 90% of the time, I had a calling card I still have to burn up..... So I figured what the hell, what's the worst that can happen I blow $10 that was already spent and will most likely expire...also what's the worst she can say to me, "Never speak to me again, you psycho bastard!" fine then that gives me an excuse to enter Utah, or South Africa..although it would hurt incredibly...but then again my mantra is swim/ride/run through the pain. So I took the gamble, after multiple coin flips, and consulting the source of all wisdom : A magic 8 ball. I bit the bullet and dialed...the familiar sound of New Zealand dial tone...in my head thinking to my self "God I'm hopeless." Then her voice...the..."oh my god... it's you...what time is it over there...yeah just out of work and driving to the gym."..I"ll spare the details but apparently New Zealand has no Cell phone bans in place...so if anyone in New Plymouth was nearly taken out by a little white Mazda I apologize deeply. Needless to say we shot the shit for about 15-20 min. Foundout she's entered the 2010 Taupo to Rotorua bike race which just so happens to go down part of the Ironman New Zealand bike route she and her friends are lucky in that they can draft that entire stretch...and if there is no head wind you can really fly....the reasons to go back to train and race in Taupo are piling up.
R.D.
R.D.
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