I'll admit it my mind is all over the place when I'm running. I must be suffering ADD. Afterall how else can you explain not focusing in class when it's an extremely beautiful day and you'd rather be out on the bike or running instead of focusing on the French fry ritual of Potato Worshipers of Western Latvia, or falling asleep in class while you analyze the intricacies of Tort law in Business Law class after sitting in class rooms for the past 7 hours...yep I need to be put on Ritalin and gallons of it. Wait what did this post begin as again...
Alright my rant about needing to medicate any body that goes against the grain or isn't a good little corporate zombie is over*
But seriously I do need to focus more while I run. I find that I spend alot of time day dreaming, fantasizing, and having delusions of grandeur, instead of focusing on my body, my breathing, my stride rate, the asphalt directly in front of me. Maybe the keeping my mind in lala land is a good thing then I can't notice that twitching of my Achilles tendon, the slight tightness in my hip flexors, the gentle burning of my hamstrings and the unmerciful pounding of asphalt on my shins, calves, and feet, the fact that I still have X miles to go. The fact that it's cold, windy,and pouring rain or boiling with 100% humidity, and I ran out of water/sports drink Y miles ago. Maybe it's not a good thing to leave this realm because then I don't focus as much on the punk in front of me, how much sweat I'm losing and how I should replace it, how fast my pace is versus what my ideal pace is and bring the two together. But then again focusing on such things would make me OCD. That's a whole new set issues. You know how OCD steam rolls first it's focusing too much on my running, then on how I tie my shoes, then on my nutrition...hell before you know it I'm debating on which tomatoes to buy based on their content of antioxidants and my free time is spent focusing on cleaning all the pebbles out of every crevice on my running shoes, because they add 2.0X10 ^-5 (0.000002) grams of weight or have a 1 in 10 billion shot of causing an injury....hell Spending more time preparing to run than running itself. Being in lala land sounds better than being more meticulous than an IRS auditor. Also my ADD approach to training on my long runs hasn't hurt me. I mean my track workouts and races are where I focus, going into that Kona smoking Macca..Cam Brown..Crowie fantasy maybe completely unrealistic ...but it helps keep me out of "shoot self" mode on my 20 mile long run. Perhaps it can be said on a long run not focusing helps me to focus in some bizarre way. I went on a 20 mile long run with the Angry Runner a while back (like 2007), but the one thing he said as looped back at one point was " How the hell do you not get bored doing this shit?" I guess I had never really thought about it before then, because I was just naturally in the zone... and even with my helter skelter thoughts bouncing all over the place, I was still running 4:00 marathon pace. So should I change my running style if it's what works for me? I don't think so but part of me always wonders am I doing enough to get faster. I guess the athlete's mind is a lot like a line from Macbeth " A lot of Sound and Fury Signifying Nothing."
R.D.
*I am not against the use of psychological medication in instances where it is warranted...ie severe depression, schizophrenia,bipolar disorder, etc. I just feel when you are watching commercials that describe common feelings and they are telling you that you are suffering from ABCXYZ and need to be put on massive doses of medication it's a little excessive. Please let's save the meds for people who really need them.
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Freak...
" Yo Adrian, you know how I said all that stuff they said about me on TV didn't hurt....It did." - Rocky.
Well after tagging one of my friends on facebook, one of her friends made the comment of " Why did that freak tag you in an album." I guess that's what I am I'm a freak. I'm used to being hated and detested...part of the reason I do triathlon. The long hours in the saddle, on the road of in the pool take away from my loneliness...my not belonging, that inner ache and pain I feel when I see people happy together, knowing that it is most likely not in my future. I train through the pain, through the heartache, through the fact that I don't fit in and realistically never will. I don't have to deal with "the" People or "normal" people...I deal with freaks like me. The type of freaks who talk about carbon fiber over aluminum, kettle bells and squats, New Balance over Asics, Speedo vs. TYR. I guess somewhere in our freakhood we find camaraderie. We are freaks so what. Some of us are lucky and we met other freaks who we hit it off we, we get married and have freak children and then they laugh at the normal people as they hate life. For others like me we remain single freaks, knowing not even our fellow freaks quite understand us. We find some friends some solace but at the end of the day feel we're too freaky for the rest of the freaks. It hurts, it is a cold sting of reality everytime that word is thrown around but I guess it reminds me why I train and why I train like a rabid animal...no amount of physical pain can hurt me like some of the mental and emotional abuse I have taken. Buddha states "All life is suffering, all suffering is caused by desire, suffering can be over come by non-attachment." The more I reflect on my life the more I agree, my suffering comes from my desire to be normal to be accepted, my training helps me let go of attachment to that desire. Not necessarily Zen or what he had in mind but it works for me. So why part of me feels the pain that I will probably never be able to have a decent realtionship, or have the approval of my peers, the other realizes that this just serves as more fuel, to train harder, to train longer to become faster...so go ahead call me a freak...It hurts, but it gives me focus.
R.D.
Well after tagging one of my friends on facebook, one of her friends made the comment of " Why did that freak tag you in an album." I guess that's what I am I'm a freak. I'm used to being hated and detested...part of the reason I do triathlon. The long hours in the saddle, on the road of in the pool take away from my loneliness...my not belonging, that inner ache and pain I feel when I see people happy together, knowing that it is most likely not in my future. I train through the pain, through the heartache, through the fact that I don't fit in and realistically never will. I don't have to deal with "the" People or "normal" people...I deal with freaks like me. The type of freaks who talk about carbon fiber over aluminum, kettle bells and squats, New Balance over Asics, Speedo vs. TYR. I guess somewhere in our freakhood we find camaraderie. We are freaks so what. Some of us are lucky and we met other freaks who we hit it off we, we get married and have freak children and then they laugh at the normal people as they hate life. For others like me we remain single freaks, knowing not even our fellow freaks quite understand us. We find some friends some solace but at the end of the day feel we're too freaky for the rest of the freaks. It hurts, it is a cold sting of reality everytime that word is thrown around but I guess it reminds me why I train and why I train like a rabid animal...no amount of physical pain can hurt me like some of the mental and emotional abuse I have taken. Buddha states "All life is suffering, all suffering is caused by desire, suffering can be over come by non-attachment." The more I reflect on my life the more I agree, my suffering comes from my desire to be normal to be accepted, my training helps me let go of attachment to that desire. Not necessarily Zen or what he had in mind but it works for me. So why part of me feels the pain that I will probably never be able to have a decent realtionship, or have the approval of my peers, the other realizes that this just serves as more fuel, to train harder, to train longer to become faster...so go ahead call me a freak...It hurts, but it gives me focus.
R.D.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Never say never....
6 months ago this wasn't happening...
No way no how, no chance...No money..no motivation, nothing...I had to watch a boat load of you tube videos to keep myself from ebaying my bike...it wasn't going to happen until I made it happen.
a $400 dollar gamble...should have spent the money on other things, paid bills, only 4 months in the dead of winter to train.
3 months ago...this wasn't happening...only 3 months to train for an Ironman in the coldest winter in decades...snow and cold every weekend no way to train out doors...just hopping on the treadmill and the trainer if it wasn't bad 8-10 miles outside...there was no way that this cold prep me for an ironman could it?
The weather broke...managed to get some out door runs and rides in again, sucked it up and was ridding the trainner from 2-4 hours 3 days a week.
1 month ago ..this wasn't happening...my ortho shows me the x-ray of y ankle..."you've got microtears in your tendon...you should stay off it for atleast month."
"I've got an ironman in 6 weeks " I shout back...
"You can swim" he replies...
"Can I bike?"
"Well"
CAN I BIKE?" I say more firmly knowing if I can't cycle it's truly game over.
"Yes" he says reluctantly
"I there anything that can heal my leg faster? " I ask
" Anti-inflamatories although it will only take about a week off."
3 weeks of no run training and just pushing the swim and the bike...surely the sart thing is to drop out....
1Week ago...I can't believe this is happening...flight's booked, bike's packed I managed to get the last of my long training in...I actually feel ready....
For all the reasons it shouldn't of happen, couldn't have happended it is happening...
again.
No way no how, no chance...No money..no motivation, nothing...I had to watch a boat load of you tube videos to keep myself from ebaying my bike...it wasn't going to happen until I made it happen.
a $400 dollar gamble...should have spent the money on other things, paid bills, only 4 months in the dead of winter to train.
3 months ago...this wasn't happening...only 3 months to train for an Ironman in the coldest winter in decades...snow and cold every weekend no way to train out doors...just hopping on the treadmill and the trainer if it wasn't bad 8-10 miles outside...there was no way that this cold prep me for an ironman could it?
The weather broke...managed to get some out door runs and rides in again, sucked it up and was ridding the trainner from 2-4 hours 3 days a week.
1 month ago ..this wasn't happening...my ortho shows me the x-ray of y ankle..."you've got microtears in your tendon...you should stay off it for atleast month."
"I've got an ironman in 6 weeks " I shout back...
"You can swim" he replies...
"Can I bike?"
"Well"
CAN I BIKE?" I say more firmly knowing if I can't cycle it's truly game over.
"Yes" he says reluctantly
"I there anything that can heal my leg faster? " I ask
" Anti-inflamatories although it will only take about a week off."
3 weeks of no run training and just pushing the swim and the bike...surely the sart thing is to drop out....
1Week ago...I can't believe this is happening...flight's booked, bike's packed I managed to get the last of my long training in...I actually feel ready....
For all the reasons it shouldn't of happen, couldn't have happended it is happening...
again.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Focus: leading up to Ironman.
" I think the reason is she [Natasha Badmann] focuses within, we're all looking back wondering where she is like "Where's Natasha?" "Where's Natasha?" and she just going on her way."
-Jo Lawn on Badmann's Ironman success.
Well if you follow the other blog my training for the Ironman is progressing. I'm about the same on the swimming, I'm a little ahead on the cycling game from last year, and a little behind on the running. I have 3 weeks until I fly out so I have time to build to one last long run, granted it's going to be a more conservative load, but I'm confident I'll survive the race. I've looked at the entry list there are 3 other guys representing the stars and stripes and 28 of us young studs throwing down. Last year there were 43. I know two of these guys beat me last year everyone else is an x-factor.
But every race is an X-factor, training goes right or wrong, people who do this on a whim go out and shock the world, that kid who consistently gets a mud hole stomped into them suddenly gets sweet revenge, you flat, you cramp up, you get a tail wind, you get a refreshing downpour on the run...you could run all the variables through your head but it makes no matter worrying before hand. You take it as it comes, you focus within, you look at realistically what can I do now? You react to changes, you adapt, improvise, and hopefully overcome.
Pre race you sit there you talk about qualifying slots, you dream while you train, while you rehab, while you number crunch, while everyone around you calls you an "idiot" and you start second guessing then dismiss it. You go into the zone, into the basement, into that spot you feel invincible.
Pain is suddenly for other people, doubt is suddenly for other people, the bills, worries, papers, deadlines, meetings, are for another time, you train and get them out of your system, you'll handle them as they come. Just like the rain, just like wind, the snow, the cold, the heat, the sun.
You stop griping and start working the only thing certain in your mind that you are going to go from A-B. It might be a nice straight line a path of no resistance...it might curve like a serpent like Alpe Du Huez, up hill down hill, treacherous and demanding, trying body, mind and soul like nothing else.
You look at what you ache for, what you want so badly you would give anything for, it is what drives you to run outdoors when others are content to sit around in their warm dry homes, it is what drives you to ride your bike when everyone else is thinking a movie might be nice, it is what gets you in the pool after a full day of work, classes and life's problems, when others would head home crack open a beer and pass out infront of the tube, it is what gets you through all the training, all the days at work, all the times people stare at you like a six headed goat, the times when you just want to pack it all in and say in one resounding voice " I quit Life!" It's what helps you hang on.
And then race day comes, all the training, all the sacrifice, all the kind words, all the vulgar ones that fuel your resolve, the scrimping, saving, selling your soul, comes to fruition, the normal fears enter your head..."why did I sign up for this again?" the distance becomes real, the butterflies knot up in your throat and gut as you nervously head to the portolet 2, 3, 4 times just to make sure your bladder is empty... then you get into the water you take a few warm up strokes and get into you groove. You tell yourself it's just another race like any other , you take a deep breath and wait for the cannon and suddenly you know: You are ready....
-Jo Lawn on Badmann's Ironman success.
Well if you follow the other blog my training for the Ironman is progressing. I'm about the same on the swimming, I'm a little ahead on the cycling game from last year, and a little behind on the running. I have 3 weeks until I fly out so I have time to build to one last long run, granted it's going to be a more conservative load, but I'm confident I'll survive the race. I've looked at the entry list there are 3 other guys representing the stars and stripes and 28 of us young studs throwing down. Last year there were 43. I know two of these guys beat me last year everyone else is an x-factor.
But every race is an X-factor, training goes right or wrong, people who do this on a whim go out and shock the world, that kid who consistently gets a mud hole stomped into them suddenly gets sweet revenge, you flat, you cramp up, you get a tail wind, you get a refreshing downpour on the run...you could run all the variables through your head but it makes no matter worrying before hand. You take it as it comes, you focus within, you look at realistically what can I do now? You react to changes, you adapt, improvise, and hopefully overcome.
Pre race you sit there you talk about qualifying slots, you dream while you train, while you rehab, while you number crunch, while everyone around you calls you an "idiot" and you start second guessing then dismiss it. You go into the zone, into the basement, into that spot you feel invincible.
Pain is suddenly for other people, doubt is suddenly for other people, the bills, worries, papers, deadlines, meetings, are for another time, you train and get them out of your system, you'll handle them as they come. Just like the rain, just like wind, the snow, the cold, the heat, the sun.
You stop griping and start working the only thing certain in your mind that you are going to go from A-B. It might be a nice straight line a path of no resistance...it might curve like a serpent like Alpe Du Huez, up hill down hill, treacherous and demanding, trying body, mind and soul like nothing else.
You look at what you ache for, what you want so badly you would give anything for, it is what drives you to run outdoors when others are content to sit around in their warm dry homes, it is what drives you to ride your bike when everyone else is thinking a movie might be nice, it is what gets you in the pool after a full day of work, classes and life's problems, when others would head home crack open a beer and pass out infront of the tube, it is what gets you through all the training, all the days at work, all the times people stare at you like a six headed goat, the times when you just want to pack it all in and say in one resounding voice " I quit Life!" It's what helps you hang on.
And then race day comes, all the training, all the sacrifice, all the kind words, all the vulgar ones that fuel your resolve, the scrimping, saving, selling your soul, comes to fruition, the normal fears enter your head..."why did I sign up for this again?" the distance becomes real, the butterflies knot up in your throat and gut as you nervously head to the portolet 2, 3, 4 times just to make sure your bladder is empty... then you get into the water you take a few warm up strokes and get into you groove. You tell yourself it's just another race like any other , you take a deep breath and wait for the cannon and suddenly you know: You are ready....
Monday, January 19, 2009
What the Hell's my excuse.....
As noted in some of my earlier posts 2008 was a hell of a year and 2009 has tossed a few little "issues" my way, hopefully they'll be easy to resolve, go to see an orthopedic doc on Wed. so I'm confident I'll be given the it's just a strain , rest, Ice and buy a new damn set of running shoes script.
Any way back in November as I was sitting around debating which Ironman I was going to do and then debating doing none, as I looked at the check book, I was greeted by the 2005 Ironman highlight show on the TV. For those of you who don't know me that well last year I raced as a member of Team Blazeman, 
because I was inspired by Jon Blais's courage or racing the 2005 Ironman with ALS more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease or in the Commonwealth as Motor Neuron. Seeing the Blazeman's Ironman again reminded me of one of the major reasons I do this sport: Because I Can. While I watched Jon battle the tough Kona course with Paul Sherwin's and Al Trautwig's commentary and remember that the cruel disease that took his life in 2007, I began to think of people in my own life who have defeated the odds. One of them was one of my high school swim teammates. In our junior year she was diagnoised with a brain tumor. She underwent surgery in which everything that could go wrong did go wrong...essentially a surgery that was supposed to be a quick easy removal left her partially paralyzed. The thing was that despite this she still graduated high school, and went to college...and swam for a season. Her attitude was "I'm in a wheel chair tough shit. I'm still smart, I can still swim, I'm still me." The other was a person I had the privilegde of racing against twice in two of the toughest races in the Northeast. The guy is a member of a rival tri club, but still is equally inspiring. He had both of his legs amputated in high school, ending his football and track career, but from the ashes of these shattered dreams he picked himself up and started swimming and racing with a handcycle. I saw him perform the swim portion of a sprint race two years ago and last year, after working with a wheelchair marathoner, tackled the Griskus Olympic and Providence 70.3. the Griskus I didn't see much of him until after the race, but at Providence watching him gut up college hill in the racing chair earned my respect, especially since he had to do it twice, and he was passing some of the people walking up it. So as I sat there reflecting on this and watching others fufill their dreams I sat there and thought to myself "What the Hell is my excuse for not going back to New Zealand?" Bills, it's only money...doubt..I've done it before I know I can do it again and faster. What people will think? Since when did I ever care what people thought of me.
because I was inspired by Jon Blais's courage or racing the 2005 Ironman with ALS more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease or in the Commonwealth as Motor Neuron. Seeing the Blazeman's Ironman again reminded me of one of the major reasons I do this sport: Because I Can. While I watched Jon battle the tough Kona course with Paul Sherwin's and Al Trautwig's commentary and remember that the cruel disease that took his life in 2007, I began to think of people in my own life who have defeated the odds. One of them was one of my high school swim teammates. In our junior year she was diagnoised with a brain tumor. She underwent surgery in which everything that could go wrong did go wrong...essentially a surgery that was supposed to be a quick easy removal left her partially paralyzed. The thing was that despite this she still graduated high school, and went to college...and swam for a season. Her attitude was "I'm in a wheel chair tough shit. I'm still smart, I can still swim, I'm still me." The other was a person I had the privilegde of racing against twice in two of the toughest races in the Northeast. The guy is a member of a rival tri club, but still is equally inspiring. He had both of his legs amputated in high school, ending his football and track career, but from the ashes of these shattered dreams he picked himself up and started swimming and racing with a handcycle. I saw him perform the swim portion of a sprint race two years ago and last year, after working with a wheelchair marathoner, tackled the Griskus Olympic and Providence 70.3. the Griskus I didn't see much of him until after the race, but at Providence watching him gut up college hill in the racing chair earned my respect, especially since he had to do it twice, and he was passing some of the people walking up it. So as I sat there reflecting on this and watching others fufill their dreams I sat there and thought to myself "What the Hell is my excuse for not going back to New Zealand?" Bills, it's only money...doubt..I've done it before I know I can do it again and faster. What people will think? Since when did I ever care what people thought of me.It's selfish...ok..maybe it is but it's my life....
Regardless once this little injury gets taken care of I know who I'm towing the line for in Taupo on March 7...it's not just for the people who can't get out there and do it. It's for the people who are told they can't and respond by saying , " Watch me!"
R.D.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
2008 a look back
Well 2008 was a hell of a year for a lot of good and bad reasons I'll start with the bad first because I figure ending with good news will lead to a more postive up beat attitude.
The bad:
I lost my digital camera in September.
Fell behind on the bills
Dad Lost his job...Fell even more behind on the bills.
Got flooded out of my parent's place when our sump pump malfunctioned, Causing me to move into my Grandfather's house mid summer.
Sold my road bike to race.
Didn't qualify for Kona
Didn't qualify for Clearwater
First DNF due to a bad deraileur cable.
My heart just wasn't into school work this semester.
Fell for a girl I don't think I can have.
Really thought about giving up sports for the first time in my life.
Realized how above my means I was really living.
Entered a race against the advice of friends and now feel like it might be a mistake.
The good:
PRed Twice in the Half Ironman Distance,including a hilly Providence70.3 course.
Averaged above 20mph on the bike for over 50 miles for the first time in my career.
Missed a Kona slot by 70 seconds. at Eagleman.
Met Bob and Mary Ann Blais ( Jon Blais's parents check out War on ALS.) twice this season... Their son's courage helped me get through some of the tougher times this racing season and helped get me out the door to train on days when all I wanted to do was feel sorry for myself.
Raced as an elite for the first time and as a bonus was the fastest out of the Water at the Patriot Triathlon this July.
3 races ( a 72.3 ,a sprint, and a 70.3) in 8 days and I managed PR's at all 3.
I left the country for the first time in 21 years.
I finished my first Ironman.
I finished my first Ironman in a Foreign country.
I realized how many people actually give a damn about me.
I realized DNFing isn't the end of the world..granted it still sucks.
Foundout I was physically and mentally tougher than I thought.
PRed in the Marathon twice.
Lost all the money I brought with me to a casino and didn't have a panic attack, granted I was a little intoxicated at the time.
Foundout I've got friends so crazy they make me look sane.
Realized that I am the only person that can truly control my life.
That I'm ALMOST ready ( still need to get that degree and some cash) to live on my own and this time unlike last time I won't screw up as bad because I have a little more faith in myself.
Not everything wrong in my life is anyone else's fault, granted it's not all my fault either.
I cannot be anyone else's parent..well you know unless they're my offspring, and tell them how to run their life, at the same time I can't help support anyone else unless I can support myself.
That somehow some way I will get myself out of the rut it I just stay patient and work at it.
R.D.
The bad:
I lost my digital camera in September.
Fell behind on the bills
Dad Lost his job...Fell even more behind on the bills.
Got flooded out of my parent's place when our sump pump malfunctioned, Causing me to move into my Grandfather's house mid summer.
Sold my road bike to race.
Didn't qualify for Kona
Didn't qualify for Clearwater
First DNF due to a bad deraileur cable.
My heart just wasn't into school work this semester.
Fell for a girl I don't think I can have.
Really thought about giving up sports for the first time in my life.
Realized how above my means I was really living.
Entered a race against the advice of friends and now feel like it might be a mistake.
The good:
PRed Twice in the Half Ironman Distance,including a hilly Providence70.3 course.
Averaged above 20mph on the bike for over 50 miles for the first time in my career.
Missed a Kona slot by 70 seconds. at Eagleman.
Met Bob and Mary Ann Blais ( Jon Blais's parents check out War on ALS.) twice this season... Their son's courage helped me get through some of the tougher times this racing season and helped get me out the door to train on days when all I wanted to do was feel sorry for myself.
Raced as an elite for the first time and as a bonus was the fastest out of the Water at the Patriot Triathlon this July.
3 races ( a 72.3 ,a sprint, and a 70.3) in 8 days and I managed PR's at all 3.
I left the country for the first time in 21 years.
I finished my first Ironman.
I finished my first Ironman in a Foreign country.
I realized how many people actually give a damn about me.
I realized DNFing isn't the end of the world..granted it still sucks.
Foundout I was physically and mentally tougher than I thought.
PRed in the Marathon twice.
Lost all the money I brought with me to a casino and didn't have a panic attack, granted I was a little intoxicated at the time.
Foundout I've got friends so crazy they make me look sane.
Realized that I am the only person that can truly control my life.
That I'm ALMOST ready ( still need to get that degree and some cash) to live on my own and this time unlike last time I won't screw up as bad because I have a little more faith in myself.
Not everything wrong in my life is anyone else's fault, granted it's not all my fault either.
I cannot be anyone else's parent..well you know unless they're my offspring, and tell them how to run their life, at the same time I can't help support anyone else unless I can support myself.
That somehow some way I will get myself out of the rut it I just stay patient and work at it.
R.D.
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