Freak...

" Yo Adrian, you know how I said all that stuff they said about me on TV didn't hurt....It did." - Rocky.

Well after tagging one of my friends on facebook, one of her friends made the comment of " Why did that freak tag you in an album." I guess that's what I am I'm a freak. I'm used to being hated and detested...part of the reason I do triathlon. The long hours in the saddle, on the road of in the pool take away from my loneliness...my not belonging, that inner ache and pain I feel when I see people happy together, knowing that it is most likely not in my future. I train through the pain, through the heartache, through the fact that I don't fit in and realistically never will. I don't have to deal with "the" People or "normal" people...I deal with freaks like me. The type of freaks who talk about carbon fiber over aluminum, kettle bells and squats, New Balance over Asics, Speedo vs. TYR. I guess somewhere in our freakhood we find camaraderie. We are freaks so what. Some of us are lucky and we met other freaks who we hit it off we, we get married and have freak children and then they laugh at the normal people as they hate life. For others like me we remain single freaks, knowing not even our fellow freaks quite understand us. We find some friends some solace but at the end of the day feel we're too freaky for the rest of the freaks. It hurts, it is a cold sting of reality everytime that word is thrown around but I guess it reminds me why I train and why I train like a rabid animal...no amount of physical pain can hurt me like some of the mental and emotional abuse I have taken. Buddha states "All life is suffering, all suffering is caused by desire, suffering can be over come by non-attachment." The more I reflect on my life the more I agree, my suffering comes from my desire to be normal to be accepted, my training helps me let go of attachment to that desire. Not necessarily Zen or what he had in mind but it works for me. So why part of me feels the pain that I will probably never be able to have a decent realtionship, or have the approval of my peers, the other realizes that this just serves as more fuel, to train harder, to train longer to become faster...so go ahead call me a freak...It hurts, but it gives me focus.
R.D.

Distractions

" Alright Boys you're in season, time to dump the girl friend, stop playing on your computer late at night and tell your boss to pound sand." - Art Rodriguez

Ah yes the words of my former track coach at our first practice of the season...let the memories from high school flow back.
The reasons I'm quoting him go back to the girl friend part. Normally this was never a problem. Afterall I believed I was the marked one, the guy that no girl in her right mind would date, and I was cool with that, sure it hurt sometimes, but it allowed me the freedom to train when I wanted on demand. In essence I was training free of "distractions", well ok there are always some distractions " will I have enough to pay for my race entry?", "my parents are driving me nuts.", "I hope I finish this ride before the library closes so I can do some research"...etc. But this year I had 3 girls competing for my affections, 1 was just a fling..which was a little awkward....but it was sort of an ego boost but it also has moral and ethical complications, for as much as I claim I'm a forward thinker, there still is a good little Catholic kid stuck inside of me. Girl number 2 we kissed but not really much to build a romantic relationship on , I mean we'd be good friends but I just don't think she's girl friend material. Then there is girl number 3..we went out in Newport, she's kinda into me I'm kinda into her, but I don't know where this is heading...and now I've got Coach Rod's voice echoing in my head about "girlfriends being run killers." I mean that's what happened in Newport, we went out on Saturday night and instead of going for a nice 8 miler along the cliff walk we just chilled on Sunday. The sad thing is I only know how to train one way and that is just planning for school and weather, I never had the girlfriend thing to worry about, and when I was first getting started in this sport, I chose the sport over a girl who couldn't understand why I spent so much on my freaking bike...I just don't want to be the poor sap at Eagleman who worked his tail off for years for a Kona spot and his wife made him return it, granted it's not like she isn't athletic, she's a former gymnast, she still runs a couple times a week with my sister...so she understands the rigors of commitment, but this is uncharted waters for me, I might have to submit this question to Bro. But that's what's been going on in my head for the last couple of days. I'm trying to get my butt into shape for Ironman New Zealand but it's been hard because of all this crap going on I need to focus, so this weekend back to basics, just running, riding and studying, no distractions.

R.D.