Josie this one's for you.
Shit!
This is gonna hurt!
Man I hope there's no one behind me..
Maybe I should have spent more time at work...
That's my life...man it was short!
(Thud) Oooof tuck and roll!
Is the bike ok?
Ok toes move...
Fingers...
ok not paralyzed...
Is the bike ok...
Can't move the left/right shoulder, hope I didn't break the collarbone...ok I can move it...what about the bike?
Oh man that scrape is gonna look sexy...the bike looks ok...can I still ride?
Oh man blood stains and scuff marks on my favorite jersey...
I hope I don't have a hole in the ass of my bike shorts...
The frame's not cracked...that brake lever is a little out of place, hold the front wheel ( Twist) much better...
Wheels...ok spinning through the brakes...
Tires aren't flat? Nope ...good.
Anyone got a bandaid?
Alright clip in...carry on...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Silence...
It's wanting to speak...but not
It's wanting to express the inexpressible
It's not making any rational sense and not wanting to look like an idiot
It's keeping your mouth shut when all you want to do is scream
It's your heart and mind not being in synch
It's vowing to yourself...I will say I will tell it...I wall scream it from the rooftop....tomorrow...or the day after....or maybe the third Wednesday of next month
It's having millions of thoughts bouncing all over the place, without organization, with out flow, without meaning and not letting the world see the inner chaos
It's being so terribly afraid of what would happen if you spoke
It's peaceful
It's deafening
It's light as a feather
It's heavy as a boulder
It is Silence.
It's wanting to express the inexpressible
It's not making any rational sense and not wanting to look like an idiot
It's keeping your mouth shut when all you want to do is scream
It's your heart and mind not being in synch
It's vowing to yourself...I will say I will tell it...I wall scream it from the rooftop....tomorrow...or the day after....or maybe the third Wednesday of next month
It's having millions of thoughts bouncing all over the place, without organization, with out flow, without meaning and not letting the world see the inner chaos
It's being so terribly afraid of what would happen if you spoke
It's peaceful
It's deafening
It's light as a feather
It's heavy as a boulder
It is Silence.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Run Focus...
I'll admit it my mind is all over the place when I'm running. I must be suffering ADD. Afterall how else can you explain not focusing in class when it's an extremely beautiful day and you'd rather be out on the bike or running instead of focusing on the French fry ritual of Potato Worshipers of Western Latvia, or falling asleep in class while you analyze the intricacies of Tort law in Business Law class after sitting in class rooms for the past 7 hours...yep I need to be put on Ritalin and gallons of it. Wait what did this post begin as again...
Alright my rant about needing to medicate any body that goes against the grain or isn't a good little corporate zombie is over*
But seriously I do need to focus more while I run. I find that I spend alot of time day dreaming, fantasizing, and having delusions of grandeur, instead of focusing on my body, my breathing, my stride rate, the asphalt directly in front of me. Maybe the keeping my mind in lala land is a good thing then I can't notice that twitching of my Achilles tendon, the slight tightness in my hip flexors, the gentle burning of my hamstrings and the unmerciful pounding of asphalt on my shins, calves, and feet, the fact that I still have X miles to go. The fact that it's cold, windy,and pouring rain or boiling with 100% humidity, and I ran out of water/sports drink Y miles ago. Maybe it's not a good thing to leave this realm because then I don't focus as much on the punk in front of me, how much sweat I'm losing and how I should replace it, how fast my pace is versus what my ideal pace is and bring the two together. But then again focusing on such things would make me OCD. That's a whole new set issues. You know how OCD steam rolls first it's focusing too much on my running, then on how I tie my shoes, then on my nutrition...hell before you know it I'm debating on which tomatoes to buy based on their content of antioxidants and my free time is spent focusing on cleaning all the pebbles out of every crevice on my running shoes, because they add 2.0X10 ^-5 (0.000002) grams of weight or have a 1 in 10 billion shot of causing an injury....hell Spending more time preparing to run than running itself. Being in lala land sounds better than being more meticulous than an IRS auditor. Also my ADD approach to training on my long runs hasn't hurt me. I mean my track workouts and races are where I focus, going into that Kona smoking Macca..Cam Brown..Crowie fantasy maybe completely unrealistic ...but it helps keep me out of "shoot self" mode on my 20 mile long run. Perhaps it can be said on a long run not focusing helps me to focus in some bizarre way. I went on a 20 mile long run with the Angry Runner a while back (like 2007), but the one thing he said as looped back at one point was " How the hell do you not get bored doing this shit?" I guess I had never really thought about it before then, because I was just naturally in the zone... and even with my helter skelter thoughts bouncing all over the place, I was still running 4:00 marathon pace. So should I change my running style if it's what works for me? I don't think so but part of me always wonders am I doing enough to get faster. I guess the athlete's mind is a lot like a line from Macbeth " A lot of Sound and Fury Signifying Nothing."
R.D.
*I am not against the use of psychological medication in instances where it is warranted...ie severe depression, schizophrenia,bipolar disorder, etc. I just feel when you are watching commercials that describe common feelings and they are telling you that you are suffering from ABCXYZ and need to be put on massive doses of medication it's a little excessive. Please let's save the meds for people who really need them.
Alright my rant about needing to medicate any body that goes against the grain or isn't a good little corporate zombie is over*
But seriously I do need to focus more while I run. I find that I spend alot of time day dreaming, fantasizing, and having delusions of grandeur, instead of focusing on my body, my breathing, my stride rate, the asphalt directly in front of me. Maybe the keeping my mind in lala land is a good thing then I can't notice that twitching of my Achilles tendon, the slight tightness in my hip flexors, the gentle burning of my hamstrings and the unmerciful pounding of asphalt on my shins, calves, and feet, the fact that I still have X miles to go. The fact that it's cold, windy,and pouring rain or boiling with 100% humidity, and I ran out of water/sports drink Y miles ago. Maybe it's not a good thing to leave this realm because then I don't focus as much on the punk in front of me, how much sweat I'm losing and how I should replace it, how fast my pace is versus what my ideal pace is and bring the two together. But then again focusing on such things would make me OCD. That's a whole new set issues. You know how OCD steam rolls first it's focusing too much on my running, then on how I tie my shoes, then on my nutrition...hell before you know it I'm debating on which tomatoes to buy based on their content of antioxidants and my free time is spent focusing on cleaning all the pebbles out of every crevice on my running shoes, because they add 2.0X10 ^-5 (0.000002) grams of weight or have a 1 in 10 billion shot of causing an injury....hell Spending more time preparing to run than running itself. Being in lala land sounds better than being more meticulous than an IRS auditor. Also my ADD approach to training on my long runs hasn't hurt me. I mean my track workouts and races are where I focus, going into that Kona smoking Macca..Cam Brown..Crowie fantasy maybe completely unrealistic ...but it helps keep me out of "shoot self" mode on my 20 mile long run. Perhaps it can be said on a long run not focusing helps me to focus in some bizarre way. I went on a 20 mile long run with the Angry Runner a while back (like 2007), but the one thing he said as looped back at one point was " How the hell do you not get bored doing this shit?" I guess I had never really thought about it before then, because I was just naturally in the zone... and even with my helter skelter thoughts bouncing all over the place, I was still running 4:00 marathon pace. So should I change my running style if it's what works for me? I don't think so but part of me always wonders am I doing enough to get faster. I guess the athlete's mind is a lot like a line from Macbeth " A lot of Sound and Fury Signifying Nothing."
R.D.
*I am not against the use of psychological medication in instances where it is warranted...ie severe depression, schizophrenia,bipolar disorder, etc. I just feel when you are watching commercials that describe common feelings and they are telling you that you are suffering from ABCXYZ and need to be put on massive doses of medication it's a little excessive. Please let's save the meds for people who really need them.
Monday, April 6, 2009
I can't believe I did that....
no I'm not talking about the ironman, or my bizzare training and class schedule. Last night out I called Catherine...before any one says "do you know what that will do to your phone bill?" I am not as dumb as I look and act 90% of the time, I had a calling card I still have to burn up..... So I figured what the hell, what's the worst that can happen I blow $10 that was already spent and will most likely expire...also what's the worst she can say to me, "Never speak to me again, you psycho bastard!" fine then that gives me an excuse to enter Utah, or South Africa..although it would hurt incredibly...but then again my mantra is swim/ride/run through the pain. So I took the gamble, after multiple coin flips, and consulting the source of all wisdom : A magic 8 ball. I bit the bullet and dialed...the familiar sound of New Zealand dial tone...in my head thinking to my self "God I'm hopeless." Then her voice...the..."oh my god... it's you...what time is it over there...yeah just out of work and driving to the gym."..I"ll spare the details but apparently New Zealand has no Cell phone bans in place...so if anyone in New Plymouth was nearly taken out by a little white Mazda I apologize deeply. Needless to say we shot the shit for about 15-20 min. Foundout she's entered the 2010 Taupo to Rotorua bike race which just so happens to go down part of the Ironman New Zealand bike route she and her friends are lucky in that they can draft that entire stretch...and if there is no head wind you can really fly....the reasons to go back to train and race in Taupo are piling up.
R.D.
R.D.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Freak...
" Yo Adrian, you know how I said all that stuff they said about me on TV didn't hurt....It did." - Rocky.
Well after tagging one of my friends on facebook, one of her friends made the comment of " Why did that freak tag you in an album." I guess that's what I am I'm a freak. I'm used to being hated and detested...part of the reason I do triathlon. The long hours in the saddle, on the road of in the pool take away from my loneliness...my not belonging, that inner ache and pain I feel when I see people happy together, knowing that it is most likely not in my future. I train through the pain, through the heartache, through the fact that I don't fit in and realistically never will. I don't have to deal with "the" People or "normal" people...I deal with freaks like me. The type of freaks who talk about carbon fiber over aluminum, kettle bells and squats, New Balance over Asics, Speedo vs. TYR. I guess somewhere in our freakhood we find camaraderie. We are freaks so what. Some of us are lucky and we met other freaks who we hit it off we, we get married and have freak children and then they laugh at the normal people as they hate life. For others like me we remain single freaks, knowing not even our fellow freaks quite understand us. We find some friends some solace but at the end of the day feel we're too freaky for the rest of the freaks. It hurts, it is a cold sting of reality everytime that word is thrown around but I guess it reminds me why I train and why I train like a rabid animal...no amount of physical pain can hurt me like some of the mental and emotional abuse I have taken. Buddha states "All life is suffering, all suffering is caused by desire, suffering can be over come by non-attachment." The more I reflect on my life the more I agree, my suffering comes from my desire to be normal to be accepted, my training helps me let go of attachment to that desire. Not necessarily Zen or what he had in mind but it works for me. So why part of me feels the pain that I will probably never be able to have a decent realtionship, or have the approval of my peers, the other realizes that this just serves as more fuel, to train harder, to train longer to become faster...so go ahead call me a freak...It hurts, but it gives me focus.
R.D.
Well after tagging one of my friends on facebook, one of her friends made the comment of " Why did that freak tag you in an album." I guess that's what I am I'm a freak. I'm used to being hated and detested...part of the reason I do triathlon. The long hours in the saddle, on the road of in the pool take away from my loneliness...my not belonging, that inner ache and pain I feel when I see people happy together, knowing that it is most likely not in my future. I train through the pain, through the heartache, through the fact that I don't fit in and realistically never will. I don't have to deal with "the" People or "normal" people...I deal with freaks like me. The type of freaks who talk about carbon fiber over aluminum, kettle bells and squats, New Balance over Asics, Speedo vs. TYR. I guess somewhere in our freakhood we find camaraderie. We are freaks so what. Some of us are lucky and we met other freaks who we hit it off we, we get married and have freak children and then they laugh at the normal people as they hate life. For others like me we remain single freaks, knowing not even our fellow freaks quite understand us. We find some friends some solace but at the end of the day feel we're too freaky for the rest of the freaks. It hurts, it is a cold sting of reality everytime that word is thrown around but I guess it reminds me why I train and why I train like a rabid animal...no amount of physical pain can hurt me like some of the mental and emotional abuse I have taken. Buddha states "All life is suffering, all suffering is caused by desire, suffering can be over come by non-attachment." The more I reflect on my life the more I agree, my suffering comes from my desire to be normal to be accepted, my training helps me let go of attachment to that desire. Not necessarily Zen or what he had in mind but it works for me. So why part of me feels the pain that I will probably never be able to have a decent realtionship, or have the approval of my peers, the other realizes that this just serves as more fuel, to train harder, to train longer to become faster...so go ahead call me a freak...It hurts, but it gives me focus.
R.D.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Tilting at a windmill?
On Tuesday night down in NZ a group of us were sitting at the pub waiting for food. The usual tri geek speak came up. Talk about races, Kona Qualifiers, fastest bike splits, best way to shave legs, how much riding the trainer sucks. Then one person asked us Why New Zealand?
The usual chorus of Answers came up "Just wanted to do it." "Doesn't sell out" "Get me out of the Canadian/Mid-Western/ Northeastern Winter." The question was then posed to me...I tried to go with the "It doesn't sell out like the NA sports events route" But I guess that pint of Speights loosened my tongue a little bit. "Well I sort of have a friend down here that I wanted to see again...I had met her last year when I did this..." before you could say hopeless romantic, the cry came out "You're doing Ironman because of a girl? Wow!" Alright I'll admit it it's a little far fetched even for me. I'm Mr. Afraid of committing to anyone with a set of Double X chromosomes. But there was something about her... also the fact that she had driven 3 hours to see me and a few of her friends in town. Part of me feels how feel toward her is stupid, she has a boyfriend, she is happy, how the hell could I take care of a relationship this long distance, hell I couldn't even hold up with a girl an hour drive away let alone an 18 hour flight. She is a good friend, I can talk to her like one of the guys, no pretensions, just plainly ,simply, and frankly. I can be me. She accepts me for who I am and I do likewise, I'm at ease around her, I don't have to be something I'm not. Maybe that's why I like being around her....maybe that's why as much as my heart wants to, but I won't pursue her ( I don't want to be a D-bag to her BF...if she picked him he's got to be doing something right because she doesn't take shit from anybody.) To go after her would be like being like Don Quixote tilting at a windmill, gallant, chivalrous, and completely misplaced and borderline idiotic....but prehaps that is the entire context of love....we go in a full charge,bordering on insanity, hoping not to land flat on our asses...with everyone telling us how much of a moron we were we come to our senses. When we land flat, our hearts crushed into millions of pieces and we vow not to be as foolish ever again. We look at maybe being alone isn't so bad...we prepare for a life devoted to careers, sport and solitude only to have our foolish adventurer once again reawakened and once again find ourseleves charging full speed into the unknown...into ruin, heroics, misplaced courage we never knew we had...but for me I just can't seem to bring myself to pursue...I'm content to have her as a friend and am oh so afraid to have her leave my life...
So why did I go to New Zealand? Was I titlting at a windmill? Maybe in one aspect, but in another I got to touch base with good friend.
The usual chorus of Answers came up "Just wanted to do it." "Doesn't sell out" "Get me out of the Canadian/Mid-Western/ Northeastern Winter." The question was then posed to me...I tried to go with the "It doesn't sell out like the NA sports events route" But I guess that pint of Speights loosened my tongue a little bit. "Well I sort of have a friend down here that I wanted to see again...I had met her last year when I did this..." before you could say hopeless romantic, the cry came out "You're doing Ironman because of a girl? Wow!" Alright I'll admit it it's a little far fetched even for me. I'm Mr. Afraid of committing to anyone with a set of Double X chromosomes. But there was something about her... also the fact that she had driven 3 hours to see me and a few of her friends in town. Part of me feels how feel toward her is stupid, she has a boyfriend, she is happy, how the hell could I take care of a relationship this long distance, hell I couldn't even hold up with a girl an hour drive away let alone an 18 hour flight. She is a good friend, I can talk to her like one of the guys, no pretensions, just plainly ,simply, and frankly. I can be me. She accepts me for who I am and I do likewise, I'm at ease around her, I don't have to be something I'm not. Maybe that's why I like being around her....maybe that's why as much as my heart wants to, but I won't pursue her ( I don't want to be a D-bag to her BF...if she picked him he's got to be doing something right because she doesn't take shit from anybody.) To go after her would be like being like Don Quixote tilting at a windmill, gallant, chivalrous, and completely misplaced and borderline idiotic....but prehaps that is the entire context of love....we go in a full charge,bordering on insanity, hoping not to land flat on our asses...with everyone telling us how much of a moron we were we come to our senses. When we land flat, our hearts crushed into millions of pieces and we vow not to be as foolish ever again. We look at maybe being alone isn't so bad...we prepare for a life devoted to careers, sport and solitude only to have our foolish adventurer once again reawakened and once again find ourseleves charging full speed into the unknown...into ruin, heroics, misplaced courage we never knew we had...but for me I just can't seem to bring myself to pursue...I'm content to have her as a friend and am oh so afraid to have her leave my life...
So why did I go to New Zealand? Was I titlting at a windmill? Maybe in one aspect, but in another I got to touch base with good friend.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Never say never....
6 months ago this wasn't happening...
No way no how, no chance...No money..no motivation, nothing...I had to watch a boat load of you tube videos to keep myself from ebaying my bike...it wasn't going to happen until I made it happen.
a $400 dollar gamble...should have spent the money on other things, paid bills, only 4 months in the dead of winter to train.
3 months ago...this wasn't happening...only 3 months to train for an Ironman in the coldest winter in decades...snow and cold every weekend no way to train out doors...just hopping on the treadmill and the trainer if it wasn't bad 8-10 miles outside...there was no way that this cold prep me for an ironman could it?
The weather broke...managed to get some out door runs and rides in again, sucked it up and was ridding the trainner from 2-4 hours 3 days a week.
1 month ago ..this wasn't happening...my ortho shows me the x-ray of y ankle..."you've got microtears in your tendon...you should stay off it for atleast month."
"I've got an ironman in 6 weeks " I shout back...
"You can swim" he replies...
"Can I bike?"
"Well"
CAN I BIKE?" I say more firmly knowing if I can't cycle it's truly game over.
"Yes" he says reluctantly
"I there anything that can heal my leg faster? " I ask
" Anti-inflamatories although it will only take about a week off."
3 weeks of no run training and just pushing the swim and the bike...surely the sart thing is to drop out....
1Week ago...I can't believe this is happening...flight's booked, bike's packed I managed to get the last of my long training in...I actually feel ready....
For all the reasons it shouldn't of happen, couldn't have happended it is happening...
again.
No way no how, no chance...No money..no motivation, nothing...I had to watch a boat load of you tube videos to keep myself from ebaying my bike...it wasn't going to happen until I made it happen.
a $400 dollar gamble...should have spent the money on other things, paid bills, only 4 months in the dead of winter to train.
3 months ago...this wasn't happening...only 3 months to train for an Ironman in the coldest winter in decades...snow and cold every weekend no way to train out doors...just hopping on the treadmill and the trainer if it wasn't bad 8-10 miles outside...there was no way that this cold prep me for an ironman could it?
The weather broke...managed to get some out door runs and rides in again, sucked it up and was ridding the trainner from 2-4 hours 3 days a week.
1 month ago ..this wasn't happening...my ortho shows me the x-ray of y ankle..."you've got microtears in your tendon...you should stay off it for atleast month."
"I've got an ironman in 6 weeks " I shout back...
"You can swim" he replies...
"Can I bike?"
"Well"
CAN I BIKE?" I say more firmly knowing if I can't cycle it's truly game over.
"Yes" he says reluctantly
"I there anything that can heal my leg faster? " I ask
" Anti-inflamatories although it will only take about a week off."
3 weeks of no run training and just pushing the swim and the bike...surely the sart thing is to drop out....
1Week ago...I can't believe this is happening...flight's booked, bike's packed I managed to get the last of my long training in...I actually feel ready....
For all the reasons it shouldn't of happen, couldn't have happended it is happening...
again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
