" Yo Adrian, you know how I said all that stuff they said about me on TV didn't hurt....It did." - Rocky.
Well after tagging one of my friends on facebook, one of her friends made the comment of " Why did that freak tag you in an album." I guess that's what I am I'm a freak. I'm used to being hated and detested...part of the reason I do triathlon. The long hours in the saddle, on the road of in the pool take away from my loneliness...my not belonging, that inner ache and pain I feel when I see people happy together, knowing that it is most likely not in my future. I train through the pain, through the heartache, through the fact that I don't fit in and realistically never will. I don't have to deal with "the" People or "normal" people...I deal with freaks like me. The type of freaks who talk about carbon fiber over aluminum, kettle bells and squats, New Balance over Asics, Speedo vs. TYR. I guess somewhere in our freakhood we find camaraderie. We are freaks so what. Some of us are lucky and we met other freaks who we hit it off we, we get married and have freak children and then they laugh at the normal people as they hate life. For others like me we remain single freaks, knowing not even our fellow freaks quite understand us. We find some friends some solace but at the end of the day feel we're too freaky for the rest of the freaks. It hurts, it is a cold sting of reality everytime that word is thrown around but I guess it reminds me why I train and why I train like a rabid animal...no amount of physical pain can hurt me like some of the mental and emotional abuse I have taken. Buddha states "All life is suffering, all suffering is caused by desire, suffering can be over come by non-attachment." The more I reflect on my life the more I agree, my suffering comes from my desire to be normal to be accepted, my training helps me let go of attachment to that desire. Not necessarily Zen or what he had in mind but it works for me. So why part of me feels the pain that I will probably never be able to have a decent realtionship, or have the approval of my peers, the other realizes that this just serves as more fuel, to train harder, to train longer to become faster...so go ahead call me a freak...It hurts, but it gives me focus.
R.D.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Tilting at a windmill?
On Tuesday night down in NZ a group of us were sitting at the pub waiting for food. The usual tri geek speak came up. Talk about races, Kona Qualifiers, fastest bike splits, best way to shave legs, how much riding the trainer sucks. Then one person asked us Why New Zealand?
The usual chorus of Answers came up "Just wanted to do it." "Doesn't sell out" "Get me out of the Canadian/Mid-Western/ Northeastern Winter." The question was then posed to me...I tried to go with the "It doesn't sell out like the NA sports events route" But I guess that pint of Speights loosened my tongue a little bit. "Well I sort of have a friend down here that I wanted to see again...I had met her last year when I did this..." before you could say hopeless romantic, the cry came out "You're doing Ironman because of a girl? Wow!" Alright I'll admit it it's a little far fetched even for me. I'm Mr. Afraid of committing to anyone with a set of Double X chromosomes. But there was something about her... also the fact that she had driven 3 hours to see me and a few of her friends in town. Part of me feels how feel toward her is stupid, she has a boyfriend, she is happy, how the hell could I take care of a relationship this long distance, hell I couldn't even hold up with a girl an hour drive away let alone an 18 hour flight. She is a good friend, I can talk to her like one of the guys, no pretensions, just plainly ,simply, and frankly. I can be me. She accepts me for who I am and I do likewise, I'm at ease around her, I don't have to be something I'm not. Maybe that's why I like being around her....maybe that's why as much as my heart wants to, but I won't pursue her ( I don't want to be a D-bag to her BF...if she picked him he's got to be doing something right because she doesn't take shit from anybody.) To go after her would be like being like Don Quixote tilting at a windmill, gallant, chivalrous, and completely misplaced and borderline idiotic....but prehaps that is the entire context of love....we go in a full charge,bordering on insanity, hoping not to land flat on our asses...with everyone telling us how much of a moron we were we come to our senses. When we land flat, our hearts crushed into millions of pieces and we vow not to be as foolish ever again. We look at maybe being alone isn't so bad...we prepare for a life devoted to careers, sport and solitude only to have our foolish adventurer once again reawakened and once again find ourseleves charging full speed into the unknown...into ruin, heroics, misplaced courage we never knew we had...but for me I just can't seem to bring myself to pursue...I'm content to have her as a friend and am oh so afraid to have her leave my life...
So why did I go to New Zealand? Was I titlting at a windmill? Maybe in one aspect, but in another I got to touch base with good friend.
The usual chorus of Answers came up "Just wanted to do it." "Doesn't sell out" "Get me out of the Canadian/Mid-Western/ Northeastern Winter." The question was then posed to me...I tried to go with the "It doesn't sell out like the NA sports events route" But I guess that pint of Speights loosened my tongue a little bit. "Well I sort of have a friend down here that I wanted to see again...I had met her last year when I did this..." before you could say hopeless romantic, the cry came out "You're doing Ironman because of a girl? Wow!" Alright I'll admit it it's a little far fetched even for me. I'm Mr. Afraid of committing to anyone with a set of Double X chromosomes. But there was something about her... also the fact that she had driven 3 hours to see me and a few of her friends in town. Part of me feels how feel toward her is stupid, she has a boyfriend, she is happy, how the hell could I take care of a relationship this long distance, hell I couldn't even hold up with a girl an hour drive away let alone an 18 hour flight. She is a good friend, I can talk to her like one of the guys, no pretensions, just plainly ,simply, and frankly. I can be me. She accepts me for who I am and I do likewise, I'm at ease around her, I don't have to be something I'm not. Maybe that's why I like being around her....maybe that's why as much as my heart wants to, but I won't pursue her ( I don't want to be a D-bag to her BF...if she picked him he's got to be doing something right because she doesn't take shit from anybody.) To go after her would be like being like Don Quixote tilting at a windmill, gallant, chivalrous, and completely misplaced and borderline idiotic....but prehaps that is the entire context of love....we go in a full charge,bordering on insanity, hoping not to land flat on our asses...with everyone telling us how much of a moron we were we come to our senses. When we land flat, our hearts crushed into millions of pieces and we vow not to be as foolish ever again. We look at maybe being alone isn't so bad...we prepare for a life devoted to careers, sport and solitude only to have our foolish adventurer once again reawakened and once again find ourseleves charging full speed into the unknown...into ruin, heroics, misplaced courage we never knew we had...but for me I just can't seem to bring myself to pursue...I'm content to have her as a friend and am oh so afraid to have her leave my life...
So why did I go to New Zealand? Was I titlting at a windmill? Maybe in one aspect, but in another I got to touch base with good friend.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Never say never....
6 months ago this wasn't happening...
No way no how, no chance...No money..no motivation, nothing...I had to watch a boat load of you tube videos to keep myself from ebaying my bike...it wasn't going to happen until I made it happen.
a $400 dollar gamble...should have spent the money on other things, paid bills, only 4 months in the dead of winter to train.
3 months ago...this wasn't happening...only 3 months to train for an Ironman in the coldest winter in decades...snow and cold every weekend no way to train out doors...just hopping on the treadmill and the trainer if it wasn't bad 8-10 miles outside...there was no way that this cold prep me for an ironman could it?
The weather broke...managed to get some out door runs and rides in again, sucked it up and was ridding the trainner from 2-4 hours 3 days a week.
1 month ago ..this wasn't happening...my ortho shows me the x-ray of y ankle..."you've got microtears in your tendon...you should stay off it for atleast month."
"I've got an ironman in 6 weeks " I shout back...
"You can swim" he replies...
"Can I bike?"
"Well"
CAN I BIKE?" I say more firmly knowing if I can't cycle it's truly game over.
"Yes" he says reluctantly
"I there anything that can heal my leg faster? " I ask
" Anti-inflamatories although it will only take about a week off."
3 weeks of no run training and just pushing the swim and the bike...surely the sart thing is to drop out....
1Week ago...I can't believe this is happening...flight's booked, bike's packed I managed to get the last of my long training in...I actually feel ready....
For all the reasons it shouldn't of happen, couldn't have happended it is happening...
again.
No way no how, no chance...No money..no motivation, nothing...I had to watch a boat load of you tube videos to keep myself from ebaying my bike...it wasn't going to happen until I made it happen.
a $400 dollar gamble...should have spent the money on other things, paid bills, only 4 months in the dead of winter to train.
3 months ago...this wasn't happening...only 3 months to train for an Ironman in the coldest winter in decades...snow and cold every weekend no way to train out doors...just hopping on the treadmill and the trainer if it wasn't bad 8-10 miles outside...there was no way that this cold prep me for an ironman could it?
The weather broke...managed to get some out door runs and rides in again, sucked it up and was ridding the trainner from 2-4 hours 3 days a week.
1 month ago ..this wasn't happening...my ortho shows me the x-ray of y ankle..."you've got microtears in your tendon...you should stay off it for atleast month."
"I've got an ironman in 6 weeks " I shout back...
"You can swim" he replies...
"Can I bike?"
"Well"
CAN I BIKE?" I say more firmly knowing if I can't cycle it's truly game over.
"Yes" he says reluctantly
"I there anything that can heal my leg faster? " I ask
" Anti-inflamatories although it will only take about a week off."
3 weeks of no run training and just pushing the swim and the bike...surely the sart thing is to drop out....
1Week ago...I can't believe this is happening...flight's booked, bike's packed I managed to get the last of my long training in...I actually feel ready....
For all the reasons it shouldn't of happen, couldn't have happended it is happening...
again.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Time To Taper
I ran my long run, the leg survived, there is no need to push the distance anymore.
I have done more long rides and trainer sessions that last year...I can back off now.
The black line at the bottom of the pool has become a blur, I can reduce my yardage.
Race day is 13 days away and now since I have thrown together my best efforts I can relax a little. Now more worrying about building up more mileage on the run, no more worrying can I cram one more 4+ hour ride in. No more worring "will the Achilles Survive?" What I have done over the last few months to prep has been done. Now the distances will get a little shorter, I can rest up a little more, and hopefully on March 7 I will fly with no major issues.
The prep work is complete now it's off to the races.
R.D.
I have done more long rides and trainer sessions that last year...I can back off now.
The black line at the bottom of the pool has become a blur, I can reduce my yardage.
Race day is 13 days away and now since I have thrown together my best efforts I can relax a little. Now more worrying about building up more mileage on the run, no more worrying can I cram one more 4+ hour ride in. No more worring "will the Achilles Survive?" What I have done over the last few months to prep has been done. Now the distances will get a little shorter, I can rest up a little more, and hopefully on March 7 I will fly with no major issues.
The prep work is complete now it's off to the races.
R.D.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Focus: leading up to Ironman.
" I think the reason is she [Natasha Badmann] focuses within, we're all looking back wondering where she is like "Where's Natasha?" "Where's Natasha?" and she just going on her way."
-Jo Lawn on Badmann's Ironman success.
Well if you follow the other blog my training for the Ironman is progressing. I'm about the same on the swimming, I'm a little ahead on the cycling game from last year, and a little behind on the running. I have 3 weeks until I fly out so I have time to build to one last long run, granted it's going to be a more conservative load, but I'm confident I'll survive the race. I've looked at the entry list there are 3 other guys representing the stars and stripes and 28 of us young studs throwing down. Last year there were 43. I know two of these guys beat me last year everyone else is an x-factor.
But every race is an X-factor, training goes right or wrong, people who do this on a whim go out and shock the world, that kid who consistently gets a mud hole stomped into them suddenly gets sweet revenge, you flat, you cramp up, you get a tail wind, you get a refreshing downpour on the run...you could run all the variables through your head but it makes no matter worrying before hand. You take it as it comes, you focus within, you look at realistically what can I do now? You react to changes, you adapt, improvise, and hopefully overcome.
Pre race you sit there you talk about qualifying slots, you dream while you train, while you rehab, while you number crunch, while everyone around you calls you an "idiot" and you start second guessing then dismiss it. You go into the zone, into the basement, into that spot you feel invincible.
Pain is suddenly for other people, doubt is suddenly for other people, the bills, worries, papers, deadlines, meetings, are for another time, you train and get them out of your system, you'll handle them as they come. Just like the rain, just like wind, the snow, the cold, the heat, the sun.
You stop griping and start working the only thing certain in your mind that you are going to go from A-B. It might be a nice straight line a path of no resistance...it might curve like a serpent like Alpe Du Huez, up hill down hill, treacherous and demanding, trying body, mind and soul like nothing else.
You look at what you ache for, what you want so badly you would give anything for, it is what drives you to run outdoors when others are content to sit around in their warm dry homes, it is what drives you to ride your bike when everyone else is thinking a movie might be nice, it is what gets you in the pool after a full day of work, classes and life's problems, when others would head home crack open a beer and pass out infront of the tube, it is what gets you through all the training, all the days at work, all the times people stare at you like a six headed goat, the times when you just want to pack it all in and say in one resounding voice " I quit Life!" It's what helps you hang on.
And then race day comes, all the training, all the sacrifice, all the kind words, all the vulgar ones that fuel your resolve, the scrimping, saving, selling your soul, comes to fruition, the normal fears enter your head..."why did I sign up for this again?" the distance becomes real, the butterflies knot up in your throat and gut as you nervously head to the portolet 2, 3, 4 times just to make sure your bladder is empty... then you get into the water you take a few warm up strokes and get into you groove. You tell yourself it's just another race like any other , you take a deep breath and wait for the cannon and suddenly you know: You are ready....
-Jo Lawn on Badmann's Ironman success.
Well if you follow the other blog my training for the Ironman is progressing. I'm about the same on the swimming, I'm a little ahead on the cycling game from last year, and a little behind on the running. I have 3 weeks until I fly out so I have time to build to one last long run, granted it's going to be a more conservative load, but I'm confident I'll survive the race. I've looked at the entry list there are 3 other guys representing the stars and stripes and 28 of us young studs throwing down. Last year there were 43. I know two of these guys beat me last year everyone else is an x-factor.
But every race is an X-factor, training goes right or wrong, people who do this on a whim go out and shock the world, that kid who consistently gets a mud hole stomped into them suddenly gets sweet revenge, you flat, you cramp up, you get a tail wind, you get a refreshing downpour on the run...you could run all the variables through your head but it makes no matter worrying before hand. You take it as it comes, you focus within, you look at realistically what can I do now? You react to changes, you adapt, improvise, and hopefully overcome.
Pre race you sit there you talk about qualifying slots, you dream while you train, while you rehab, while you number crunch, while everyone around you calls you an "idiot" and you start second guessing then dismiss it. You go into the zone, into the basement, into that spot you feel invincible.
Pain is suddenly for other people, doubt is suddenly for other people, the bills, worries, papers, deadlines, meetings, are for another time, you train and get them out of your system, you'll handle them as they come. Just like the rain, just like wind, the snow, the cold, the heat, the sun.
You stop griping and start working the only thing certain in your mind that you are going to go from A-B. It might be a nice straight line a path of no resistance...it might curve like a serpent like Alpe Du Huez, up hill down hill, treacherous and demanding, trying body, mind and soul like nothing else.
You look at what you ache for, what you want so badly you would give anything for, it is what drives you to run outdoors when others are content to sit around in their warm dry homes, it is what drives you to ride your bike when everyone else is thinking a movie might be nice, it is what gets you in the pool after a full day of work, classes and life's problems, when others would head home crack open a beer and pass out infront of the tube, it is what gets you through all the training, all the days at work, all the times people stare at you like a six headed goat, the times when you just want to pack it all in and say in one resounding voice " I quit Life!" It's what helps you hang on.
And then race day comes, all the training, all the sacrifice, all the kind words, all the vulgar ones that fuel your resolve, the scrimping, saving, selling your soul, comes to fruition, the normal fears enter your head..."why did I sign up for this again?" the distance becomes real, the butterflies knot up in your throat and gut as you nervously head to the portolet 2, 3, 4 times just to make sure your bladder is empty... then you get into the water you take a few warm up strokes and get into you groove. You tell yourself it's just another race like any other , you take a deep breath and wait for the cannon and suddenly you know: You are ready....
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Positive news:
My professors are cool with me going to NZ so I just have to hand in a few things early. Also my thesis professor is a former triathlete..added bonus.
The ankle the swelling is almost un-noticable...still going to hold off on doing any crazy long runs I'll re-assess this weekend, maybe attempt an easy 4 miler on flat ground...otherwise next Wednesday night I'm back in black. Rehab is working.
Class canceled for the day...woohoo trainer session, and getting some other things done.
Seriously thinking I should buy a lotto ticket now because things are looking good.
Supposed to be warm Sunday well warm as a realative term 35F (2C)...it's above freezing I'll take it.
Quantas running an airfare deal.. $1150 round trip. Hopefully I'll get either my student loan in or that winning lotto ticket so I can pay for it...added bonus American Advantagemiles (one world partner so I rack up miles on Quantas.).... about 16,000 of them....hmm first class to Kona if I'm able to pull a PR out of my ass....
My head seems to be finally back in the game.
Pool at CCSU opens next week bring on the late night swim sessions.
Things are starting to fall into place.
The ankle the swelling is almost un-noticable...still going to hold off on doing any crazy long runs I'll re-assess this weekend, maybe attempt an easy 4 miler on flat ground...otherwise next Wednesday night I'm back in black. Rehab is working.
Class canceled for the day...woohoo trainer session, and getting some other things done.
Seriously thinking I should buy a lotto ticket now because things are looking good.
Supposed to be warm Sunday well warm as a realative term 35F (2C)...it's above freezing I'll take it.
Quantas running an airfare deal.. $1150 round trip. Hopefully I'll get either my student loan in or that winning lotto ticket so I can pay for it...added bonus American Advantagemiles (one world partner so I rack up miles on Quantas.).... about 16,000 of them....hmm first class to Kona if I'm able to pull a PR out of my ass....
My head seems to be finally back in the game.
Pool at CCSU opens next week bring on the late night swim sessions.
Things are starting to fall into place.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I can't run for at least a week
Well I went to my ortho and recieved a diagnosis of Tendonosis (micro tears.) the result a reccomended rest of 4 weeks without running...barebones minimum 2 weeks off start running when the swelling goes down on your Achilles,unless you want a rupture. There are 4 options of what I can do:
1. Ignore the Doc run on my leg and have a 50/50 shot of a marathon PR or a season ending tendon rupture. I'm Crazy not stupid the idea of a tear is enough to scare me straight.
2. Scrap Ironman New Zealand beat my head against the wall for wasting $400, enter Providence 70.3 and take my rage out on the Half Ironman speedsters in July...be afraid be very very afraid. I really don't want to eat $400 bucks.
3. Sit here and mope about how I can't run for two weeks..oh woe as me..eat fattening foods and generally make a mess of myself. Tempting but what gets done that way?
4. Take the two weeks I can't run and focus more on swimming and cycling. See this unplanned rest as mandatory cycling focus, use the orthodics in my bike shoes build mileage and hence improve my weakest event. Get my swimming from top 60 to flirting with course record status. Go to Taupo pilage the field on the swim and bike and hold on Normann Stadler style on the run. We have a winner!
Ok so I'm not a huge fan of the Norminator but I guess if I want to have a positive outlook on not being able to work my usual second strength, I need to work my weakness if I want a shot of a Kona slot or finishing in Daylight. My swim is stellar, my cycling is improving and now my marathon which is normally a no brainer is now a question mark. All I can do is swim and spin and hopefully in two weeks begin to build my run mileage back up.
Thankfully this weekend it's supposed to be cold, but no snow so hopefully it will be an ideal weekend to ride, On tap for tonight masters maybe an hour or two on the trainer. Now that I know what I've hurt and to what extent I know what I have clearance to train it's time to put in more of the work..hopefully weather and classes will co-operate.
R.D.
1. Ignore the Doc run on my leg and have a 50/50 shot of a marathon PR or a season ending tendon rupture. I'm Crazy not stupid the idea of a tear is enough to scare me straight.
2. Scrap Ironman New Zealand beat my head against the wall for wasting $400, enter Providence 70.3 and take my rage out on the Half Ironman speedsters in July...be afraid be very very afraid. I really don't want to eat $400 bucks.
3. Sit here and mope about how I can't run for two weeks..oh woe as me..eat fattening foods and generally make a mess of myself. Tempting but what gets done that way?
4. Take the two weeks I can't run and focus more on swimming and cycling. See this unplanned rest as mandatory cycling focus, use the orthodics in my bike shoes build mileage and hence improve my weakest event. Get my swimming from top 60 to flirting with course record status. Go to Taupo pilage the field on the swim and bike and hold on Normann Stadler style on the run. We have a winner!
Ok so I'm not a huge fan of the Norminator but I guess if I want to have a positive outlook on not being able to work my usual second strength, I need to work my weakness if I want a shot of a Kona slot or finishing in Daylight. My swim is stellar, my cycling is improving and now my marathon which is normally a no brainer is now a question mark. All I can do is swim and spin and hopefully in two weeks begin to build my run mileage back up.
Thankfully this weekend it's supposed to be cold, but no snow so hopefully it will be an ideal weekend to ride, On tap for tonight masters maybe an hour or two on the trainer. Now that I know what I've hurt and to what extent I know what I have clearance to train it's time to put in more of the work..hopefully weather and classes will co-operate.
R.D.
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