Well as I sit here writing this I know I have at least 10 other things I should be doing that are a hell of a lot more productive. Yet I find my mind wondering.
I PRed in a marathon on Saturday and the last two days have just been plain lazy, no school work got done very little house work got tackled I've just been plain shelled, nuked, cooked, roasted, to stiff to move ad adjectives and adverbs here. My grandfather gets back tomorrow so I need the house to be in somewhat nice shape so that's the game plan for tonight, vacuum make sure all of my crap is in my room all that.
One of my professors stated that I shouldn't be working full time through college...I hate when people tell me that..maybe its the truth I should quit my job go on welfare, quit triathlon until I get my degree and become a full bore academic...but then again what kind of life would that lead too, after all people already look at me when I have 6 heads when I think of a 5000 yard swim workout as fun, I can only imagine the response when a 50-100lbs. heavier version of me thinks that looking over documents from the late 15th Century Spanish sailors will give me as much joy as a bicycle on a cloudless day with no traffic... not happening, I work to pay for my schooling and my hobby that gives me sanity..sanity being a relative term.
Is wanting to go to New Zealand worth it? Part of me really wants to go back but the other side of the coin wants to get things settled up at home, get my degree/ better paying gig, but the other part of me chimes in with the " if you wait until everything is in perfect order to live your life, you will die without ever having lived." Conflicting messages..and the dropping value of the New Zealand dollar is really making me considering this as a real possibility...
A high end Half Iron is moving in on my traditional training grounds lots of pros and hoopla, part of me wants in because it might make a good story if a local boy tries to compete with the big dogs, and the psychological edge of knowing I am familiar with the course makes it hard for me to decide if I should do it. My heart/ athlete is saying go and the checkbook/ intellectual is saying no.
I often feel like I look at life in a very negative lens, often feeling like every decision is damned if I do damned if I don't. Can't I ever just make a decision and be happy with it. Why does everything in my life have some crazy bizzare extreme moral consequence. Part of me feels my heart really isn't into school this semester, I have some good classes but I just can't get focused on things, especially with all the bullshit going on at home, and all the crap that hit me this summer... things are starting to settle down but it's just rough I can't wait until winter break so I can take some time off settle down and focus on what needs to be done. I need to breathe but it just feels like one of my professors is putting rocks on my chest...I can't devote my entire life to one project, I'm an undergrad not a doctorial student, so why do you want me hauling all over hell and back for one paper...ok so the topic is interesting but it's more of a grad level project....and next smester I have my thesis fun....
Sorry for spewing all this crap but it's been on my mind and it just feels good to get it out there..since I have very few people to talk to and most of my time is taken up by work school and training, my blogs are my sounding boards. So this week no training not until Saturday, I've made that line in the sand firm, I'm going to research and study, focus on getting myself where I want to be and come Saturday I'll get my ass back on the bike and start training for what ever is next on the calendar, whether it's Taupo in March or a Middlebury Triple Header in June/July..I know I have at least one half and one full Iron on the calendar so I need to get busy.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Fear
"Fear leads to Pain, pain leads to Anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads suffering all of these to the dark side of the force lead"-Yoda
Well I'm going to admit it, I'm damn terrified of racing on Saturday. While I've tried to comically laugh it off, get my ego boosted and what not, that DNF is still playing head games. The problem of dropping out is you're afraid you will drop out again, that the unholy sin of giving up will lead down a slippery slope of quitting at the first sign of adversity...and eventually to not even trying at all.
And so the doubt piles up: Am I good enough? Will I follow this through? Do I suck as bad as I think I do? All these words poison to the confidence and the soul.
So how does one defeat fear?
I don't know by overcoming doubt I guess, I really wish it would be as easy as psyching my self up like a Celtic Berzerker having a friend beat my bare gut with a wiffle ball bat while screaming testosterone fueled grunts causing anyone in a 10 foot radius to slowly start backing away...definiately would make the mass start go a little smoother...or get me in the short line for a psych eval.
Perhaps it is as easy a deciding not to be afraid, to just look at the distances on paper choke up the DNF to shitty circumstances, and handle it.
I guess the other fear is just quite frankly not having what it takes...to maybe follow some of my professors' advice and just dedicate myself to improving my mind and leaving sport to the real athletes to know my future lies in a lecture hall, office, or at a lectern instead of the start line in Kona, Hopkington, or the Verrazano Narrows Brigde...that's the fear that hits the most, the fear of being inadequate, that what I desire most will never come to me...that maybe I should get my head out of the clouds and just focus on what I'm good at.
Fear maybe healthy but it is by no means good.
Well I'm going to admit it, I'm damn terrified of racing on Saturday. While I've tried to comically laugh it off, get my ego boosted and what not, that DNF is still playing head games. The problem of dropping out is you're afraid you will drop out again, that the unholy sin of giving up will lead down a slippery slope of quitting at the first sign of adversity...and eventually to not even trying at all.
And so the doubt piles up: Am I good enough? Will I follow this through? Do I suck as bad as I think I do? All these words poison to the confidence and the soul.
So how does one defeat fear?
I don't know by overcoming doubt I guess, I really wish it would be as easy as psyching my self up like a Celtic Berzerker having a friend beat my bare gut with a wiffle ball bat while screaming testosterone fueled grunts causing anyone in a 10 foot radius to slowly start backing away...definiately would make the mass start go a little smoother...or get me in the short line for a psych eval.
Perhaps it is as easy a deciding not to be afraid, to just look at the distances on paper choke up the DNF to shitty circumstances, and handle it.
I guess the other fear is just quite frankly not having what it takes...to maybe follow some of my professors' advice and just dedicate myself to improving my mind and leaving sport to the real athletes to know my future lies in a lecture hall, office, or at a lectern instead of the start line in Kona, Hopkington, or the Verrazano Narrows Brigde...that's the fear that hits the most, the fear of being inadequate, that what I desire most will never come to me...that maybe I should get my head out of the clouds and just focus on what I'm good at.
Fear maybe healthy but it is by no means good.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Sell Out....
Well this blog has turned into a sounding board for my frustrations rather than a tool for artistic expressions but at least it lives up to the title of what's on my mind...that and it's cheaper and less emotional than therapy.
Well two nights ago I sat down for dinner with my parents, and apparently the topic of what I was going to do after college came up.
My parents want me to go into personal training and every time I try to explain there's no money in it at the moment, they don't believe me. Now I might consider it as side job, but I'm not going to put all my eggs in that basket. So then the big question came "What are you going to do?" Well this lead into my mother's infamous "if you're not doing what I think you should do then you'll never be happy" series of shoot downs.
I said I might try moving up within the bank...maybe use that whole tuition reimbursement thing, try to get myself some corporate gig.
Enter the objections: If finance gets you stressed out why do it as a career. Also isn't that where all the layoffs are happening....
My rationale :there is damn good money in finance..work for 20 years pay off some debts get myself secure..bada bing bada boom I can then finance other career alternatives/ investments. although in the midst of the greatest crisis since the Great Depression, this world is full of hair cuts, pay cuts, and job cuts.....
Teaching, Once I get my degree I really don't want to do it but worst case senario I know I can get a job as a teacher in the private schools the pay isn't great but it's steady income...
Objections: If the pay isn't great and it won't make you happy why do it....
My Rationale: Worst case at the end of the day it's a paycheck and that's all that counts.
Her Suggestion: Get your real estate licence....
My objection: ( not spoken) Yes so I can prosper like you guys in this wonderful housing market... also it seems like she wants a family dynasty in the same business....
Rationale: I see the rationale behind her suggestion, the market will not stay tanked forever..and it could be decent money... not really hard work..she's suggesting it as part time work..and one or two sales could be substatial supplemental income...not a total shoot down....as a part time job...
In essence it seems once again I'm at the cross roads where I'm thinking with check book in mind and they are thinking with the do what you love mentality...am I totally shooting down their suggestions..no..but I need some that pays decent and has stability...stability is the key. I figure as long as I've got enough to pay my bills, enter a few races, and I have enough time to train and my weekends pretty much to myself then I'll be happy. Does this rule out that I won't be doing personal training or real estate, or being a tri guru eventually hell no...but I need to settle my self first..maybe it's good life planning or maybe it's me selling out..in either case I have to do what is in my best interest...
R.D.
Well two nights ago I sat down for dinner with my parents, and apparently the topic of what I was going to do after college came up.
My parents want me to go into personal training and every time I try to explain there's no money in it at the moment, they don't believe me. Now I might consider it as side job, but I'm not going to put all my eggs in that basket. So then the big question came "What are you going to do?" Well this lead into my mother's infamous "if you're not doing what I think you should do then you'll never be happy" series of shoot downs.
I said I might try moving up within the bank...maybe use that whole tuition reimbursement thing, try to get myself some corporate gig.
Enter the objections: If finance gets you stressed out why do it as a career. Also isn't that where all the layoffs are happening....
My rationale :there is damn good money in finance..work for 20 years pay off some debts get myself secure..bada bing bada boom I can then finance other career alternatives/ investments. although in the midst of the greatest crisis since the Great Depression, this world is full of hair cuts, pay cuts, and job cuts.....
Teaching, Once I get my degree I really don't want to do it but worst case senario I know I can get a job as a teacher in the private schools the pay isn't great but it's steady income...
Objections: If the pay isn't great and it won't make you happy why do it....
My Rationale: Worst case at the end of the day it's a paycheck and that's all that counts.
Her Suggestion: Get your real estate licence....
My objection: ( not spoken) Yes so I can prosper like you guys in this wonderful housing market... also it seems like she wants a family dynasty in the same business....
Rationale: I see the rationale behind her suggestion, the market will not stay tanked forever..and it could be decent money... not really hard work..she's suggesting it as part time work..and one or two sales could be substatial supplemental income...not a total shoot down....as a part time job...
In essence it seems once again I'm at the cross roads where I'm thinking with check book in mind and they are thinking with the do what you love mentality...am I totally shooting down their suggestions..no..but I need some that pays decent and has stability...stability is the key. I figure as long as I've got enough to pay my bills, enter a few races, and I have enough time to train and my weekends pretty much to myself then I'll be happy. Does this rule out that I won't be doing personal training or real estate, or being a tri guru eventually hell no...but I need to settle my self first..maybe it's good life planning or maybe it's me selling out..in either case I have to do what is in my best interest...
R.D.
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