A lot to think about..

Well as I sit here writing this I know I have at least 10 other things I should be doing that are a hell of a lot more productive. Yet I find my mind wondering.

I PRed in a marathon on Saturday and the last two days have just been plain lazy, no school work got done very little house work got tackled I've just been plain shelled, nuked, cooked, roasted, to stiff to move ad adjectives and adverbs here. My grandfather gets back tomorrow so I need the house to be in somewhat nice shape so that's the game plan for tonight, vacuum make sure all of my crap is in my room all that.

One of my professors stated that I shouldn't be working full time through college...I hate when people tell me that..maybe its the truth I should quit my job go on welfare, quit triathlon until I get my degree and become a full bore academic...but then again what kind of life would that lead too, after all people already look at me when I have 6 heads when I think of a 5000 yard swim workout as fun, I can only imagine the response when a 50-100lbs. heavier version of me thinks that looking over documents from the late 15th Century Spanish sailors will give me as much joy as a bicycle on a cloudless day with no traffic... not happening, I work to pay for my schooling and my hobby that gives me sanity..sanity being a relative term.

Is wanting to go to New Zealand worth it? Part of me really wants to go back but the other side of the coin wants to get things settled up at home, get my degree/ better paying gig, but the other part of me chimes in with the " if you wait until everything is in perfect order to live your life, you will die without ever having lived." Conflicting messages..and the dropping value of the New Zealand dollar is really making me considering this as a real possibility...

A high end Half Iron is moving in on my traditional training grounds lots of pros and hoopla, part of me wants in because it might make a good story if a local boy tries to compete with the big dogs, and the psychological edge of knowing I am familiar with the course makes it hard for me to decide if I should do it. My heart/ athlete is saying go and the checkbook/ intellectual is saying no.

I often feel like I look at life in a very negative lens, often feeling like every decision is damned if I do damned if I don't. Can't I ever just make a decision and be happy with it. Why does everything in my life have some crazy bizzare extreme moral consequence. Part of me feels my heart really isn't into school this semester, I have some good classes but I just can't get focused on things, especially with all the bullshit going on at home, and all the crap that hit me this summer... things are starting to settle down but it's just rough I can't wait until winter break so I can take some time off settle down and focus on what needs to be done. I need to breathe but it just feels like one of my professors is putting rocks on my chest...I can't devote my entire life to one project, I'm an undergrad not a doctorial student, so why do you want me hauling all over hell and back for one paper...ok so the topic is interesting but it's more of a grad level project....and next smester I have my thesis fun....

Sorry for spewing all this crap but it's been on my mind and it just feels good to get it out there..since I have very few people to talk to and most of my time is taken up by work school and training, my blogs are my sounding boards. So this week no training not until Saturday, I've made that line in the sand firm, I'm going to research and study, focus on getting myself where I want to be and come Saturday I'll get my ass back on the bike and start training for what ever is next on the calendar, whether it's Taupo in March or a Middlebury Triple Header in June/July..I know I have at least one half and one full Iron on the calendar so I need to get busy.