The greater the adversity the greater the victory...
I had used this phrase a couple of time to egg on some of my friends as they went through some issues with their races. Now I suddenly find myself trying to take heart in them, to understand them.
Last year I did Ironman New Zealand this year I'm going back. Amid all the economic meltdown crap and the million other important things I should have on the front burner.I'm doing it. Part of me wonders why? Selfish, insane, just wanting to have something good to look forward to? I think part of it is just to see if my own words were an unfeltgeneric condolence or an actual phenomena.
Last year I was on a training ride with Claire as she was preping for Vineman and I had taken 2 weeks of recoup time. As we suffered up through the Connecticut hills she came along side and asked " so Bobby in all honesty how bad was it? How bad was the pain? The suffering?"
As I sat there and pedaled the funniest thing happended I couldn't remember the pain. Sure I was stiff after, and my heels were torn up like raw hamburger. It was pouring rain and my sinuses were running like a sieve but I couldn't remember the negative. Just being there to race was a blessing. Friends and Co-workers helped me out with encouragement and a little cash so I wouldn't be living off of PBand J for the week I was there, one of my buddies drove me to the airport the day after a snow storm dumped nearly 2 feet of snow on us . I met some awesome people made a few friends ( from the states) made a couple of good friends in New Zealand. The other thing is if racing is supposed to be enjoyable why focus on the negative,like the suffering and injuries.Sure I blistered and have blood stains in my racing flats from that rain soaked marathon but I also had a PR in that marathon...a marathon PR in the ironman ...after stopping to use the facilities and doing a Blazeman log roll...a marathon PR after a 2.4 mile swim a 112 mile bike and cramming in whatever hodgepodge running I could.
So now this year...I have bills, I have school, I have family crisises, I have the same stuff I had to deal with last year...I'm trying to cram my training in the same way I did last year except I'm a little bit further behind because of weather and it took me so long to decide to enter. So now here I sit again racing the New England winter, an approaching race,bills, a college smester, other crisises that flare and recede... essentially March 7, 2009 is going to be the fun part.
R.D.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Getting Back to Basics
Well as mentioned on my other blog Team Zoot Gu is disbanding at the end of the year, which now means I'm without sponsorship. Probably a good thing for next season. With all the crap going on in my life and a fool hardy decision to go back to New Zealand, I'm keeping my schedule limited, no annoucements on what races I'm doing or any of that. When I make Kona ( figure channel some positive Karma.)my season will be pretty much restricted to those races that are absolutely necessary.
As it is come May I should be graduating college and hopefully in the process of finding a steady real job, my own place and tackling my bills. So life in 2009 is about reorganizing ,getting myself in the position I want to be in, putting my destiny in my own hands. I have 4 races on the calendar so far, others to be added if finances allowed. 1 is a major travel race, the other a local travel race and the other 2 are show up and go. So I will be racing in my vintage HEAT gear. Every race I did in it I had good results, and hopefully it retained most of its good karma, and the invincible feeling I get while racing in it will carry on to my everyday life.
So this season no pressure, just go out with my hair on fire and see what happens. My everyday life gets me down enough, and my sport is what brings me back. It's what gives me something to look forward to, it gives me sanity when everything else makes me want to scream, to give up and crawl into black hole and disappear, it's my therapy, granted it's just as expensive. So this summer I'm just going to have fun with it, and hopefully have a few laughs along the way.There are somethings in life I can't control, there are others I can so for the stuff I can I just have to do the best I can, and maybe getting back to the fun, "eatting milky ways on the bike" approach is what's best for me. So here's to a better 2009!
R.D.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
You're Nuts!
" We do not do these things not because they are easy, we do these things becasue they are hard..."
-JFK
Well last year as I sat here prepping for Ironman New Zealand I kept getting a constant reminder of my mental health.
" You're training for an Ironman, do you know what that'll do to your knees? You're nuts!"
" You're training for an Ironman in the dead of winter...you're nuts!"
" You're going to New Zealand in the worst economic situation since the Great Depression? You're nuts!"
" You think you'll qualify for Kona? Damn you're nuts boy-o!"
" You want to go back? You're not nuts you're f**king insane dude!"
Last year I did not let these thoughts deter me. The last year has been rough with life just wailing on me, part of it was my over ambition, some of it was unforeseen circumstances, most of it was how I reacted to shit. Funny it seems that when I race 95% of the time, if something happens I just roll with it, but life throws me a curve ball, and I let it bug me. I stress, I worry, I fret and go into panic mode and then a few hours/days/ weeks down the line take a deep breath and deal with it, kicking myself for being such a dumbass. Mayb I need to view life like I view my races, somedays you're the first one out of the drink, others you hit the wrong part of the beach, some days you are crusing at 30 mph effortlessly with a tail wind, and others you are stuck on a 20% grade crawling at 2 mph, You pull a marathon PR or are crawling over the line in a 5k. Last Year I didn't let life get me down, this year I did. I think my goal is to make next year alot more like last year and a hell of a lot less like this year. to keep a positive attitude to do what I need to do and most of what I want to do. To not worry about what other people think, afterall at the end of the day I'm the one who has to live with myself.
So I have made the decision Ironman New Zealand is where I'm heading, once again training through the cold( well I've still been swimming a running semi religiously but I need to get on the bike again.), once again with people screaming its suicide in my ear. I figure I like the race despite the logistical nightmare getting to it, it's worth it. The Kiwis are chill, the atmosphere is laid back, and except for some bad drivers it's a pretty fun race. As some of my teamamtes and family members put it "New Zealand is on everyone's top ten list and you might as well do it while you're young, single, and free.*" Most people tell me it's irrational, it defies logic, but then again doesn't voluntarily paying money and signing up to race 140.6 miles (226.2 km) seem a tiny bit irrational, figure if I'm going to do it I might as well go for the illogical trifecta.
Whether or not I'll race a lot of my local events remains to be seen, although I have 2 on the shortlist, one because I've done it every year it's been in existence and the other because it is my hometown sprint, but even then the local I want to race is only $50. I made a few mistakes last year in entering a lot of big name races, this year New Zealand is the biggie, unless I qualify for Kona. ( Dear Bree Wee, young broke age group seeking homestay, knows how to cook, clean, do windows.), regardless I'm going back.
Now all that leaves is training, having done this whole shabang last year, I know the best winter training spots around. My masters team is in full swing, and I can eek out an hour or two to run pretty easily. So I'm going back to Taupo and hopefully, I get that magic ticket punched to the Big Island.
Life is short, Race hard.
R.D.
-JFK
Well last year as I sat here prepping for Ironman New Zealand I kept getting a constant reminder of my mental health.
" You're training for an Ironman, do you know what that'll do to your knees? You're nuts!"
" You're training for an Ironman in the dead of winter...you're nuts!"
" You're going to New Zealand in the worst economic situation since the Great Depression? You're nuts!"
" You think you'll qualify for Kona? Damn you're nuts boy-o!"
" You want to go back? You're not nuts you're f**king insane dude!"
Last year I did not let these thoughts deter me. The last year has been rough with life just wailing on me, part of it was my over ambition, some of it was unforeseen circumstances, most of it was how I reacted to shit. Funny it seems that when I race 95% of the time, if something happens I just roll with it, but life throws me a curve ball, and I let it bug me. I stress, I worry, I fret and go into panic mode and then a few hours/days/ weeks down the line take a deep breath and deal with it, kicking myself for being such a dumbass. Mayb I need to view life like I view my races, somedays you're the first one out of the drink, others you hit the wrong part of the beach, some days you are crusing at 30 mph effortlessly with a tail wind, and others you are stuck on a 20% grade crawling at 2 mph, You pull a marathon PR or are crawling over the line in a 5k. Last Year I didn't let life get me down, this year I did. I think my goal is to make next year alot more like last year and a hell of a lot less like this year. to keep a positive attitude to do what I need to do and most of what I want to do. To not worry about what other people think, afterall at the end of the day I'm the one who has to live with myself.
So I have made the decision Ironman New Zealand is where I'm heading, once again training through the cold( well I've still been swimming a running semi religiously but I need to get on the bike again.), once again with people screaming its suicide in my ear. I figure I like the race despite the logistical nightmare getting to it, it's worth it. The Kiwis are chill, the atmosphere is laid back, and except for some bad drivers it's a pretty fun race. As some of my teamamtes and family members put it "New Zealand is on everyone's top ten list and you might as well do it while you're young, single, and free.*" Most people tell me it's irrational, it defies logic, but then again doesn't voluntarily paying money and signing up to race 140.6 miles (226.2 km) seem a tiny bit irrational, figure if I'm going to do it I might as well go for the illogical trifecta.
Whether or not I'll race a lot of my local events remains to be seen, although I have 2 on the shortlist, one because I've done it every year it's been in existence and the other because it is my hometown sprint, but even then the local I want to race is only $50. I made a few mistakes last year in entering a lot of big name races, this year New Zealand is the biggie, unless I qualify for Kona. ( Dear Bree Wee, young broke age group seeking homestay, knows how to cook, clean, do windows.), regardless I'm going back.
Now all that leaves is training, having done this whole shabang last year, I know the best winter training spots around. My masters team is in full swing, and I can eek out an hour or two to run pretty easily. So I'm going back to Taupo and hopefully, I get that magic ticket punched to the Big Island.
Life is short, Race hard.
R.D.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Finally it all sinks in....
"It was a few hours later I was at home having a shower when it hit me, you really did that." - Faris Al-Sultan on winning the 2005 Ironman World Championship.
As seen by some of my blog posts my life hasn't really been on the up swing in a while. It's only recently that the fact that I've done an Ironman, I've PR-ed in marathons, I've done more in a year than most people do in a life time has finally hit me. The last 8 months have been difficult as my dad lost his job, I was flooded out of my house, suffered fiscal hard ship and recently I had trouble getting my butt to write papers. Tonight I could add another blow to that pile of disappointments, a realtionship that wasn't...maybe we are better off as just friends,maybe it's karma getting back at me,or maybe it's the hand of fate twisting me in a new dircetion. I think back to that rainy day back in March in Taupo. by all accounts there is no way in hell I should have finished as well as I did. It was raining, it was windy, and I was bonking hardcore on the bike. I didn't manage a single Century in training, most of my riding was around a flat sheltered lake in Northwestern CT,yet I managed to finish in a modest 6:18 on that leg. I went out in the run in shoes I had bought at a local shop 4 days...yes that's right 4 days before the Ironman. I ran in them twice, and they were shredding the skin off my heels like a cheese grater, by all accounts I should have been hobbling to medical with my head in my hands begging the tri gods for mercy...instead I ran a marathon PR ...yes a PR (granted my first marathon was a suffer fest.) by 6minutes,and finsihed in under 11:30. Maybe it was because I surrounded myself with the right people, listened to the right stuff,drew inspiration on why I wanted to do Ironman, why I needed to do Ironman. Seriously there is no way in hell I should have gone to Taupo last year. My parents were in a rough patch, I got the money to pay my airfare at the absolute last second, my training was haphazzard at best, but for some reason I made it. I did it on a wing and a prayer. For the first time in my life I believed that I could do anything, it was as if failure didn't apply to me,that the unconfident kid that boarded a plane at JFK had suddenly become something more. That all those "you're nuts" "wouldn't you rather do a sprint race?" "You'll never..."comments didn't exist. For the past 8 months that feeling has been buried by debt, deadlines, family issues, personal issues, fear and doubt. It's time to dig through the ashes and pull out those feelings again, that I can do anything attitude again...to suit up in that lycra armor and show myself that I am worth it again.That I can do it again. That the world can do what it did March 1, 2008 at 6:13 PM That it can kiss my hairy red ass because I am an Ironman! And God damn it I'm going to do it again! So all those to all those so called experts who are saying I can't I've got two words: WATCH ME!
R.D.
As seen by some of my blog posts my life hasn't really been on the up swing in a while. It's only recently that the fact that I've done an Ironman, I've PR-ed in marathons, I've done more in a year than most people do in a life time has finally hit me. The last 8 months have been difficult as my dad lost his job, I was flooded out of my house, suffered fiscal hard ship and recently I had trouble getting my butt to write papers. Tonight I could add another blow to that pile of disappointments, a realtionship that wasn't...maybe we are better off as just friends,maybe it's karma getting back at me,or maybe it's the hand of fate twisting me in a new dircetion. I think back to that rainy day back in March in Taupo. by all accounts there is no way in hell I should have finished as well as I did. It was raining, it was windy, and I was bonking hardcore on the bike. I didn't manage a single Century in training, most of my riding was around a flat sheltered lake in Northwestern CT,yet I managed to finish in a modest 6:18 on that leg. I went out in the run in shoes I had bought at a local shop 4 days...yes that's right 4 days before the Ironman. I ran in them twice, and they were shredding the skin off my heels like a cheese grater, by all accounts I should have been hobbling to medical with my head in my hands begging the tri gods for mercy...instead I ran a marathon PR ...yes a PR (granted my first marathon was a suffer fest.) by 6minutes,and finsihed in under 11:30. Maybe it was because I surrounded myself with the right people, listened to the right stuff,drew inspiration on why I wanted to do Ironman, why I needed to do Ironman. Seriously there is no way in hell I should have gone to Taupo last year. My parents were in a rough patch, I got the money to pay my airfare at the absolute last second, my training was haphazzard at best, but for some reason I made it. I did it on a wing and a prayer. For the first time in my life I believed that I could do anything, it was as if failure didn't apply to me,that the unconfident kid that boarded a plane at JFK had suddenly become something more. That all those "you're nuts" "wouldn't you rather do a sprint race?" "You'll never..."comments didn't exist. For the past 8 months that feeling has been buried by debt, deadlines, family issues, personal issues, fear and doubt. It's time to dig through the ashes and pull out those feelings again, that I can do anything attitude again...to suit up in that lycra armor and show myself that I am worth it again.That I can do it again. That the world can do what it did March 1, 2008 at 6:13 PM That it can kiss my hairy red ass because I am an Ironman! And God damn it I'm going to do it again! So all those to all those so called experts who are saying I can't I've got two words: WATCH ME!
R.D.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
For those of you looking for a good laugh
I meant to post this on this blog but it's over at my other one follow the link
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Ironman ready in 3 months?
Well I'm really considering going back to New Zealand if there are still entries available in late December, a few friends are talking me into it a few more are talking me out of it... it's a constant tug of war. I wasn't able to enter IM Arizona through genral entry and Bjoern's knee is shot so he didn't enter. The more I look at how much it would cost me to do an American Ironman the more New Zealand is looking appealing and "do-able" My pal Gary from HEAT wrote, " Rob, you'll have your entire life to do races like Kentucky and Arizona but New Zealand is on everyone's top 3 list and you have the shot to do it twice." My trigger finger is itching just to enter and be done with then I could justify long training hours, and get my self out of my personal ninth circle of doubt and fear and I can start looking forward.
Another reality has also hit, I haven't trained the way I did last year. At this time last year I had all my cold weather gear, stocked up on toe warmers and was riding 100 miles a week, this year..eh not so much. I have swam a little more and ran a little more but it was not to the same extent as last year. So I sit here in late November debating on if I can be Ironman ready in 3 months, would NZ be a folly, should I just do Kentucky which would give me almost 9 months to train. Should I do both? What about Kona implications? My self assuredness took a hit, this year, yet I was riding at minimum 60 miles a week. The weather ( with the exception of last week ) has been somewhat mild and part of me is wondering if it's a sign to do Ironman New Zealand , if I don't do it will I be kicking myself in 20 years. 3 months to build bike mileage and get my swim back into it's normal fast as hell shape, 3 months to get myself marathon ready again, 3 months, a quarter of a year, I've done it before I'll do it again. Even if I'm not bound for the land of the kiwis I'd sure as hell like to train like I am.
R.D.
Another reality has also hit, I haven't trained the way I did last year. At this time last year I had all my cold weather gear, stocked up on toe warmers and was riding 100 miles a week, this year..eh not so much. I have swam a little more and ran a little more but it was not to the same extent as last year. So I sit here in late November debating on if I can be Ironman ready in 3 months, would NZ be a folly, should I just do Kentucky which would give me almost 9 months to train. Should I do both? What about Kona implications? My self assuredness took a hit, this year, yet I was riding at minimum 60 miles a week. The weather ( with the exception of last week ) has been somewhat mild and part of me is wondering if it's a sign to do Ironman New Zealand , if I don't do it will I be kicking myself in 20 years. 3 months to build bike mileage and get my swim back into it's normal fast as hell shape, 3 months to get myself marathon ready again, 3 months, a quarter of a year, I've done it before I'll do it again. Even if I'm not bound for the land of the kiwis I'd sure as hell like to train like I am.
R.D.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
A stupid dream?
"You've got a good life, don't give it all up to go chase a stupid dream." - Mr.Ruteger in Rudy.
Well as I sit here looking at some of my bills trying to number crunch if sending my general entry in for Ironman Arizona is worth it.Part of me has always lived with the idea of don't give upsure things for maybes,or possiblies, or could happens. This summer I came the closest to giving up the sport I ever had in my life.My dad lost his job and for about a month I was the pesudo bread winner. I felt like a bum when I borrowed gas money from my grandfather to go and race Eagleman and for a while I debated if racing was worth it. 2008 was over ambitious I had planned on a high level racing season and was pretty much wiped out by mid-July.The races I had entered without knowing what was to come,had I known the harship that was going to strike I would have never entered half the races I did. Part of me last summer really felt like selling the bikes taking on a second job and letting my dream of a Kona start die forever. Now as I sit here in late 08 looking at entering a qualifier I am in the same debate. Bills which I know I will have to pay regardless,or a chance to race for that golden fleece. I feel like an addict gambler, will I give anything for another roll of the dice. Is it worth it? Will it only lead to my destruction? Should I do what a few people have suggested to me and go back to the minors race the training series and tri for funs only for a few years before making a bid at Hawaii, or do I side with that demon that has been whispering in my ear since day one : Quit,you're not cut out for this, you're no athlete, you'll never be a champion, everytime you race that's money that could go to a bill, or to your parents, or to someone who needs it...."the doubts build and steam roll. they hit like thousands of daggers and the weight of the world pushes them deeper, each news report of global recession, job cuts, hiring freezes, each dream of trying to move up from my working class roots, from the kid who could never be a champion feels like it's being thwarted. That's when I feel like siding with the doubts, the naysayers, letting this "stupid dream"die I wonder if it's worth fighting for,part of me realizes that sometimes these dreams are the only thing that help me muttle through the day, through the tedium, through the over look promotions, the extra hours I sign up for, the long boring hours between work and class, yet the other part of me wonders is it at all worth it? Is it worth the blood sweat and tears? The money? Especially the money...does the ends justify the means?
R.D.
Well as I sit here looking at some of my bills trying to number crunch if sending my general entry in for Ironman Arizona is worth it.Part of me has always lived with the idea of don't give upsure things for maybes,or possiblies, or could happens. This summer I came the closest to giving up the sport I ever had in my life.My dad lost his job and for about a month I was the pesudo bread winner. I felt like a bum when I borrowed gas money from my grandfather to go and race Eagleman and for a while I debated if racing was worth it. 2008 was over ambitious I had planned on a high level racing season and was pretty much wiped out by mid-July.The races I had entered without knowing what was to come,had I known the harship that was going to strike I would have never entered half the races I did. Part of me last summer really felt like selling the bikes taking on a second job and letting my dream of a Kona start die forever. Now as I sit here in late 08 looking at entering a qualifier I am in the same debate. Bills which I know I will have to pay regardless,or a chance to race for that golden fleece. I feel like an addict gambler, will I give anything for another roll of the dice. Is it worth it? Will it only lead to my destruction? Should I do what a few people have suggested to me and go back to the minors race the training series and tri for funs only for a few years before making a bid at Hawaii, or do I side with that demon that has been whispering in my ear since day one : Quit,you're not cut out for this, you're no athlete, you'll never be a champion, everytime you race that's money that could go to a bill, or to your parents, or to someone who needs it...."the doubts build and steam roll. they hit like thousands of daggers and the weight of the world pushes them deeper, each news report of global recession, job cuts, hiring freezes, each dream of trying to move up from my working class roots, from the kid who could never be a champion feels like it's being thwarted. That's when I feel like siding with the doubts, the naysayers, letting this "stupid dream"die I wonder if it's worth fighting for,part of me realizes that sometimes these dreams are the only thing that help me muttle through the day, through the tedium, through the over look promotions, the extra hours I sign up for, the long boring hours between work and class, yet the other part of me wonders is it at all worth it? Is it worth the blood sweat and tears? The money? Especially the money...does the ends justify the means?
R.D.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Throwing in the towel? Being a "pussy" or fiscally responsible.
Well my dreams to do Ironman New Zealand in 2009 are pretty much on life support and it looks like the wisest thing for me to do at this point is pull the plug. Part of me hates to do this it's like pulling a DNF although in hind sight it's usually the right call.Part of it was my own fiscal situation, all the crap happening at home this summer tapped my resources, and it has just been a slow crawl back to where I need to to be. The other part of it was finally succumbing to the endless litnany of "it's too damn expensive", "it's your senior year of college, you should be devoting that time to trying to graduate." "Do Arizona." " You're nuts..." " Just do sprints." "find a real job" "get a haircut"..etc. The part that irks me is I sidded with all the naysayers. Last year people told me the same dose of reasons why I shouldn't do it,and I pretty much spat in their face and said "watch me!" I hate to always go the path of least resistance..but it seems like that's what the game plan is going to be in 09. The Ironman motto may be "anything is possible." but in the real world there are just somethings that aren't...and for me it's the starting line in Taupo on March 7. Now I will have some student loan money and a tax refund rolling in in January/February but with this being the 25th Anniversary the race will most likely sell out. Likewise part of me would rather put that cash to better use. I have some credit cards I need to pay off /down, I'd like to buy my car insurance for the year, relieve that burden off my parents and also just like to know it's paid in full... so I won't miss a payment and have it canceled. Pretty much I can come up with more practical uses for $5k than traveling halfway around the world. So that's where I'm at, part of me beliving I'm a pussy that I didn't give this race the honest fight and the other part calcualting how many bills race entry could pay off.
R.D.
R.D.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Distractions
" Alright Boys you're in season, time to dump the girl friend, stop playing on your computer late at night and tell your boss to pound sand." - Art Rodriguez
Ah yes the words of my former track coach at our first practice of the season...let the memories from high school flow back.
The reasons I'm quoting him go back to the girl friend part. Normally this was never a problem. Afterall I believed I was the marked one, the guy that no girl in her right mind would date, and I was cool with that, sure it hurt sometimes, but it allowed me the freedom to train when I wanted on demand. In essence I was training free of "distractions", well ok there are always some distractions " will I have enough to pay for my race entry?", "my parents are driving me nuts.", "I hope I finish this ride before the library closes so I can do some research"...etc. But this year I had 3 girls competing for my affections, 1 was just a fling..which was a little awkward....but it was sort of an ego boost but it also has moral and ethical complications, for as much as I claim I'm a forward thinker, there still is a good little Catholic kid stuck inside of me. Girl number 2 we kissed but not really much to build a romantic relationship on , I mean we'd be good friends but I just don't think she's girl friend material. Then there is girl number 3..we went out in Newport, she's kinda into me I'm kinda into her, but I don't know where this is heading...and now I've got Coach Rod's voice echoing in my head about "girlfriends being run killers." I mean that's what happened in Newport, we went out on Saturday night and instead of going for a nice 8 miler along the cliff walk we just chilled on Sunday. The sad thing is I only know how to train one way and that is just planning for school and weather, I never had the girlfriend thing to worry about, and when I was first getting started in this sport, I chose the sport over a girl who couldn't understand why I spent so much on my freaking bike...I just don't want to be the poor sap at Eagleman who worked his tail off for years for a Kona spot and his wife made him return it, granted it's not like she isn't athletic, she's a former gymnast, she still runs a couple times a week with my sister...so she understands the rigors of commitment, but this is uncharted waters for me, I might have to submit this question to Bro. But that's what's been going on in my head for the last couple of days. I'm trying to get my butt into shape for Ironman New Zealand but it's been hard because of all this crap going on I need to focus, so this weekend back to basics, just running, riding and studying, no distractions.
R.D.
Ah yes the words of my former track coach at our first practice of the season...let the memories from high school flow back.
The reasons I'm quoting him go back to the girl friend part. Normally this was never a problem. Afterall I believed I was the marked one, the guy that no girl in her right mind would date, and I was cool with that, sure it hurt sometimes, but it allowed me the freedom to train when I wanted on demand. In essence I was training free of "distractions", well ok there are always some distractions " will I have enough to pay for my race entry?", "my parents are driving me nuts.", "I hope I finish this ride before the library closes so I can do some research"...etc. But this year I had 3 girls competing for my affections, 1 was just a fling..which was a little awkward....but it was sort of an ego boost but it also has moral and ethical complications, for as much as I claim I'm a forward thinker, there still is a good little Catholic kid stuck inside of me. Girl number 2 we kissed but not really much to build a romantic relationship on , I mean we'd be good friends but I just don't think she's girl friend material. Then there is girl number 3..we went out in Newport, she's kinda into me I'm kinda into her, but I don't know where this is heading...and now I've got Coach Rod's voice echoing in my head about "girlfriends being run killers." I mean that's what happened in Newport, we went out on Saturday night and instead of going for a nice 8 miler along the cliff walk we just chilled on Sunday. The sad thing is I only know how to train one way and that is just planning for school and weather, I never had the girlfriend thing to worry about, and when I was first getting started in this sport, I chose the sport over a girl who couldn't understand why I spent so much on my freaking bike...I just don't want to be the poor sap at Eagleman who worked his tail off for years for a Kona spot and his wife made him return it, granted it's not like she isn't athletic, she's a former gymnast, she still runs a couple times a week with my sister...so she understands the rigors of commitment, but this is uncharted waters for me, I might have to submit this question to Bro. But that's what's been going on in my head for the last couple of days. I'm trying to get my butt into shape for Ironman New Zealand but it's been hard because of all this crap going on I need to focus, so this weekend back to basics, just running, riding and studying, no distractions.
R.D.
Monday, October 13, 2008
A lot to think about..
Well as I sit here writing this I know I have at least 10 other things I should be doing that are a hell of a lot more productive. Yet I find my mind wondering.
I PRed in a marathon on Saturday and the last two days have just been plain lazy, no school work got done very little house work got tackled I've just been plain shelled, nuked, cooked, roasted, to stiff to move ad adjectives and adverbs here. My grandfather gets back tomorrow so I need the house to be in somewhat nice shape so that's the game plan for tonight, vacuum make sure all of my crap is in my room all that.
One of my professors stated that I shouldn't be working full time through college...I hate when people tell me that..maybe its the truth I should quit my job go on welfare, quit triathlon until I get my degree and become a full bore academic...but then again what kind of life would that lead too, after all people already look at me when I have 6 heads when I think of a 5000 yard swim workout as fun, I can only imagine the response when a 50-100lbs. heavier version of me thinks that looking over documents from the late 15th Century Spanish sailors will give me as much joy as a bicycle on a cloudless day with no traffic... not happening, I work to pay for my schooling and my hobby that gives me sanity..sanity being a relative term.
Is wanting to go to New Zealand worth it? Part of me really wants to go back but the other side of the coin wants to get things settled up at home, get my degree/ better paying gig, but the other part of me chimes in with the " if you wait until everything is in perfect order to live your life, you will die without ever having lived." Conflicting messages..and the dropping value of the New Zealand dollar is really making me considering this as a real possibility...
A high end Half Iron is moving in on my traditional training grounds lots of pros and hoopla, part of me wants in because it might make a good story if a local boy tries to compete with the big dogs, and the psychological edge of knowing I am familiar with the course makes it hard for me to decide if I should do it. My heart/ athlete is saying go and the checkbook/ intellectual is saying no.
I often feel like I look at life in a very negative lens, often feeling like every decision is damned if I do damned if I don't. Can't I ever just make a decision and be happy with it. Why does everything in my life have some crazy bizzare extreme moral consequence. Part of me feels my heart really isn't into school this semester, I have some good classes but I just can't get focused on things, especially with all the bullshit going on at home, and all the crap that hit me this summer... things are starting to settle down but it's just rough I can't wait until winter break so I can take some time off settle down and focus on what needs to be done. I need to breathe but it just feels like one of my professors is putting rocks on my chest...I can't devote my entire life to one project, I'm an undergrad not a doctorial student, so why do you want me hauling all over hell and back for one paper...ok so the topic is interesting but it's more of a grad level project....and next smester I have my thesis fun....
Sorry for spewing all this crap but it's been on my mind and it just feels good to get it out there..since I have very few people to talk to and most of my time is taken up by work school and training, my blogs are my sounding boards. So this week no training not until Saturday, I've made that line in the sand firm, I'm going to research and study, focus on getting myself where I want to be and come Saturday I'll get my ass back on the bike and start training for what ever is next on the calendar, whether it's Taupo in March or a Middlebury Triple Header in June/July..I know I have at least one half and one full Iron on the calendar so I need to get busy.
I PRed in a marathon on Saturday and the last two days have just been plain lazy, no school work got done very little house work got tackled I've just been plain shelled, nuked, cooked, roasted, to stiff to move ad adjectives and adverbs here. My grandfather gets back tomorrow so I need the house to be in somewhat nice shape so that's the game plan for tonight, vacuum make sure all of my crap is in my room all that.
One of my professors stated that I shouldn't be working full time through college...I hate when people tell me that..maybe its the truth I should quit my job go on welfare, quit triathlon until I get my degree and become a full bore academic...but then again what kind of life would that lead too, after all people already look at me when I have 6 heads when I think of a 5000 yard swim workout as fun, I can only imagine the response when a 50-100lbs. heavier version of me thinks that looking over documents from the late 15th Century Spanish sailors will give me as much joy as a bicycle on a cloudless day with no traffic... not happening, I work to pay for my schooling and my hobby that gives me sanity..sanity being a relative term.
Is wanting to go to New Zealand worth it? Part of me really wants to go back but the other side of the coin wants to get things settled up at home, get my degree/ better paying gig, but the other part of me chimes in with the " if you wait until everything is in perfect order to live your life, you will die without ever having lived." Conflicting messages..and the dropping value of the New Zealand dollar is really making me considering this as a real possibility...
A high end Half Iron is moving in on my traditional training grounds lots of pros and hoopla, part of me wants in because it might make a good story if a local boy tries to compete with the big dogs, and the psychological edge of knowing I am familiar with the course makes it hard for me to decide if I should do it. My heart/ athlete is saying go and the checkbook/ intellectual is saying no.
I often feel like I look at life in a very negative lens, often feeling like every decision is damned if I do damned if I don't. Can't I ever just make a decision and be happy with it. Why does everything in my life have some crazy bizzare extreme moral consequence. Part of me feels my heart really isn't into school this semester, I have some good classes but I just can't get focused on things, especially with all the bullshit going on at home, and all the crap that hit me this summer... things are starting to settle down but it's just rough I can't wait until winter break so I can take some time off settle down and focus on what needs to be done. I need to breathe but it just feels like one of my professors is putting rocks on my chest...I can't devote my entire life to one project, I'm an undergrad not a doctorial student, so why do you want me hauling all over hell and back for one paper...ok so the topic is interesting but it's more of a grad level project....and next smester I have my thesis fun....
Sorry for spewing all this crap but it's been on my mind and it just feels good to get it out there..since I have very few people to talk to and most of my time is taken up by work school and training, my blogs are my sounding boards. So this week no training not until Saturday, I've made that line in the sand firm, I'm going to research and study, focus on getting myself where I want to be and come Saturday I'll get my ass back on the bike and start training for what ever is next on the calendar, whether it's Taupo in March or a Middlebury Triple Header in June/July..I know I have at least one half and one full Iron on the calendar so I need to get busy.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Fear
"Fear leads to Pain, pain leads to Anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads suffering all of these to the dark side of the force lead"-Yoda
Well I'm going to admit it, I'm damn terrified of racing on Saturday. While I've tried to comically laugh it off, get my ego boosted and what not, that DNF is still playing head games. The problem of dropping out is you're afraid you will drop out again, that the unholy sin of giving up will lead down a slippery slope of quitting at the first sign of adversity...and eventually to not even trying at all.
And so the doubt piles up: Am I good enough? Will I follow this through? Do I suck as bad as I think I do? All these words poison to the confidence and the soul.
So how does one defeat fear?
I don't know by overcoming doubt I guess, I really wish it would be as easy as psyching my self up like a Celtic Berzerker having a friend beat my bare gut with a wiffle ball bat while screaming testosterone fueled grunts causing anyone in a 10 foot radius to slowly start backing away...definiately would make the mass start go a little smoother...or get me in the short line for a psych eval.
Perhaps it is as easy a deciding not to be afraid, to just look at the distances on paper choke up the DNF to shitty circumstances, and handle it.
I guess the other fear is just quite frankly not having what it takes...to maybe follow some of my professors' advice and just dedicate myself to improving my mind and leaving sport to the real athletes to know my future lies in a lecture hall, office, or at a lectern instead of the start line in Kona, Hopkington, or the Verrazano Narrows Brigde...that's the fear that hits the most, the fear of being inadequate, that what I desire most will never come to me...that maybe I should get my head out of the clouds and just focus on what I'm good at.
Fear maybe healthy but it is by no means good.
Well I'm going to admit it, I'm damn terrified of racing on Saturday. While I've tried to comically laugh it off, get my ego boosted and what not, that DNF is still playing head games. The problem of dropping out is you're afraid you will drop out again, that the unholy sin of giving up will lead down a slippery slope of quitting at the first sign of adversity...and eventually to not even trying at all.
And so the doubt piles up: Am I good enough? Will I follow this through? Do I suck as bad as I think I do? All these words poison to the confidence and the soul.
So how does one defeat fear?
I don't know by overcoming doubt I guess, I really wish it would be as easy as psyching my self up like a Celtic Berzerker having a friend beat my bare gut with a wiffle ball bat while screaming testosterone fueled grunts causing anyone in a 10 foot radius to slowly start backing away...definiately would make the mass start go a little smoother...or get me in the short line for a psych eval.
Perhaps it is as easy a deciding not to be afraid, to just look at the distances on paper choke up the DNF to shitty circumstances, and handle it.
I guess the other fear is just quite frankly not having what it takes...to maybe follow some of my professors' advice and just dedicate myself to improving my mind and leaving sport to the real athletes to know my future lies in a lecture hall, office, or at a lectern instead of the start line in Kona, Hopkington, or the Verrazano Narrows Brigde...that's the fear that hits the most, the fear of being inadequate, that what I desire most will never come to me...that maybe I should get my head out of the clouds and just focus on what I'm good at.
Fear maybe healthy but it is by no means good.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Sell Out....
Well this blog has turned into a sounding board for my frustrations rather than a tool for artistic expressions but at least it lives up to the title of what's on my mind...that and it's cheaper and less emotional than therapy.
Well two nights ago I sat down for dinner with my parents, and apparently the topic of what I was going to do after college came up.
My parents want me to go into personal training and every time I try to explain there's no money in it at the moment, they don't believe me. Now I might consider it as side job, but I'm not going to put all my eggs in that basket. So then the big question came "What are you going to do?" Well this lead into my mother's infamous "if you're not doing what I think you should do then you'll never be happy" series of shoot downs.
I said I might try moving up within the bank...maybe use that whole tuition reimbursement thing, try to get myself some corporate gig.
Enter the objections: If finance gets you stressed out why do it as a career. Also isn't that where all the layoffs are happening....
My rationale :there is damn good money in finance..work for 20 years pay off some debts get myself secure..bada bing bada boom I can then finance other career alternatives/ investments. although in the midst of the greatest crisis since the Great Depression, this world is full of hair cuts, pay cuts, and job cuts.....
Teaching, Once I get my degree I really don't want to do it but worst case senario I know I can get a job as a teacher in the private schools the pay isn't great but it's steady income...
Objections: If the pay isn't great and it won't make you happy why do it....
My Rationale: Worst case at the end of the day it's a paycheck and that's all that counts.
Her Suggestion: Get your real estate licence....
My objection: ( not spoken) Yes so I can prosper like you guys in this wonderful housing market... also it seems like she wants a family dynasty in the same business....
Rationale: I see the rationale behind her suggestion, the market will not stay tanked forever..and it could be decent money... not really hard work..she's suggesting it as part time work..and one or two sales could be substatial supplemental income...not a total shoot down....as a part time job...
In essence it seems once again I'm at the cross roads where I'm thinking with check book in mind and they are thinking with the do what you love mentality...am I totally shooting down their suggestions..no..but I need some that pays decent and has stability...stability is the key. I figure as long as I've got enough to pay my bills, enter a few races, and I have enough time to train and my weekends pretty much to myself then I'll be happy. Does this rule out that I won't be doing personal training or real estate, or being a tri guru eventually hell no...but I need to settle my self first..maybe it's good life planning or maybe it's me selling out..in either case I have to do what is in my best interest...
R.D.
Well two nights ago I sat down for dinner with my parents, and apparently the topic of what I was going to do after college came up.
My parents want me to go into personal training and every time I try to explain there's no money in it at the moment, they don't believe me. Now I might consider it as side job, but I'm not going to put all my eggs in that basket. So then the big question came "What are you going to do?" Well this lead into my mother's infamous "if you're not doing what I think you should do then you'll never be happy" series of shoot downs.
I said I might try moving up within the bank...maybe use that whole tuition reimbursement thing, try to get myself some corporate gig.
Enter the objections: If finance gets you stressed out why do it as a career. Also isn't that where all the layoffs are happening....
My rationale :there is damn good money in finance..work for 20 years pay off some debts get myself secure..bada bing bada boom I can then finance other career alternatives/ investments. although in the midst of the greatest crisis since the Great Depression, this world is full of hair cuts, pay cuts, and job cuts.....
Teaching, Once I get my degree I really don't want to do it but worst case senario I know I can get a job as a teacher in the private schools the pay isn't great but it's steady income...
Objections: If the pay isn't great and it won't make you happy why do it....
My Rationale: Worst case at the end of the day it's a paycheck and that's all that counts.
Her Suggestion: Get your real estate licence....
My objection: ( not spoken) Yes so I can prosper like you guys in this wonderful housing market... also it seems like she wants a family dynasty in the same business....
Rationale: I see the rationale behind her suggestion, the market will not stay tanked forever..and it could be decent money... not really hard work..she's suggesting it as part time work..and one or two sales could be substatial supplemental income...not a total shoot down....as a part time job...
In essence it seems once again I'm at the cross roads where I'm thinking with check book in mind and they are thinking with the do what you love mentality...am I totally shooting down their suggestions..no..but I need some that pays decent and has stability...stability is the key. I figure as long as I've got enough to pay my bills, enter a few races, and I have enough time to train and my weekends pretty much to myself then I'll be happy. Does this rule out that I won't be doing personal training or real estate, or being a tri guru eventually hell no...but I need to settle my self first..maybe it's good life planning or maybe it's me selling out..in either case I have to do what is in my best interest...
R.D.
Monday, September 22, 2008
2008 The review so far....
Alright I haven't posted on this blog in a while and this post will most likely be getting cut and pasted to my other blog
2007 was an amazing year and I was hoping 2008 was going to equal or surpass it. In some ways it did, I did my first Ironman, left the country ( US and its possessions I went to St. Croix in 03) for the first time in almost 20 years. I met some good friends along the way, and raced and trained more than I thought possible in a season. I was sponsored for most of the season, and raced some major events, with good results..in some ways 2008 was a banner year.
2008 was a rough year in other ways, my father lost his job and he and my mother took commission based positions in a volatile market, this put some strain in my finances as I owe my parents for paying off my bill for my sophomore year at Fordham, and I have helped where I can with what I can, and sometimes with what I don't technically have ( ie credit.) The fact that I had helped last year along with the expenses of commuting to school, buying a new bike, entering about 7 -8 races last season and a little trip to the Southern Hemisphere didn't help my situation, so when I found out about a laspe before severance kicked in I gave money that would have paid one of my bills for life expenses, this and a delay and reduction in my expected stimulus package put me behind the 8-ball and forced me to borrow from my parents and grand parents to race Patriot and Eagleman. I sold off my road bike to a friend to finance RI 70.3, In essence I was in deep shit and had to put a freeze on race entries in May I only recently was able to get out with the help of a student loan which went to cover the gas and book charges on my cards from last year. My tri season essentially ended on Sunday with a DNF at Nutmegman, I guess a fitting end to the nightmare my season had become, maybe I should have just ended it back in July with RI 70.3 and the high note I had, but 2 months of training runs and rides would have seemed wasted if I didn't roll the dice just one more time, as with all gambles sometimes you end up with snake eyes.
As for 2009 many of you know I was planning on doing IM New Zealand again I'm going to wait and see how things pan out over the next month if I have the entry fee in October and I either have a homestay arranged through my friend Catherine or the race staff, then I'll go to Taupo in March if not then I will use the money saved for other life endeavors..that's my ultimatum to myself no cheap lodging no go...simple.
If New Zealand doesn't happen I'm might do a cheaper alternative and race the Country Music Marathon again ....just to see if I can beat my first time there, also it gives me an excuse to see an old friend.
IM Arizona is on the schedule ( either tomorrow or Wednesday I'll grab the paper work to re-register the Central Tri Club..so Bjoern and I will be reimbursed our entries.) I was there for Bjoern's first half and I'll be there for his first full, we train together and push one another to the next level so there's no doubt a PR is in both our futures.
The Griskus Sprint ( Surprise) is always on my schedule..it was my first tri I'll keep racing it unless I move off the East Coast.
Patriot is on I was there for the inaugural which was also my first half, so I'm going back for more.
RI 70.3 and Eagleman aren't on the list for next season not because I don't like them but the cost is an issue if I race an Ironman or hopefully 2 if the budget allows, I won't have the cash flow to race all over hell and back, a hard lesson from 08 but a valuable one. I do plan on doing Eagleman again in either 10 or 11 when I've gotten myself set up and have a better idea of what kind of cash I can throw at the sport.
Nutmegman is on the list as it is a final tune up for Arizona as well as the race now owes me big. I have never DNFed before in my life and it leaves a terrible taste in my mouth even if the choice to drop out is the right one.
So in the grand scheme of things I have anywhere from 4-6 races planned, plans always change, I may add or subtract depending on life, training, cash, mindset, I may decide to inflate my rather deflated USAT ranking and do more sprints and intermediate distance races, I may decide to focus on the unglorious task of training and go "into the basement" for 3-4 months just cranking out workouts, whatever I do I am confident that 2009 will be better than 2008, and it will not end with a DNF....which the Hartford Marathon and half marathon are coming up I may yet end 2008 on a high note...
R.D.
2007 was an amazing year and I was hoping 2008 was going to equal or surpass it. In some ways it did, I did my first Ironman, left the country ( US and its possessions I went to St. Croix in 03) for the first time in almost 20 years. I met some good friends along the way, and raced and trained more than I thought possible in a season. I was sponsored for most of the season, and raced some major events, with good results..in some ways 2008 was a banner year.
2008 was a rough year in other ways, my father lost his job and he and my mother took commission based positions in a volatile market, this put some strain in my finances as I owe my parents for paying off my bill for my sophomore year at Fordham, and I have helped where I can with what I can, and sometimes with what I don't technically have ( ie credit.) The fact that I had helped last year along with the expenses of commuting to school, buying a new bike, entering about 7 -8 races last season and a little trip to the Southern Hemisphere didn't help my situation, so when I found out about a laspe before severance kicked in I gave money that would have paid one of my bills for life expenses, this and a delay and reduction in my expected stimulus package put me behind the 8-ball and forced me to borrow from my parents and grand parents to race Patriot and Eagleman. I sold off my road bike to a friend to finance RI 70.3, In essence I was in deep shit and had to put a freeze on race entries in May I only recently was able to get out with the help of a student loan which went to cover the gas and book charges on my cards from last year. My tri season essentially ended on Sunday with a DNF at Nutmegman, I guess a fitting end to the nightmare my season had become, maybe I should have just ended it back in July with RI 70.3 and the high note I had, but 2 months of training runs and rides would have seemed wasted if I didn't roll the dice just one more time, as with all gambles sometimes you end up with snake eyes.
As for 2009 many of you know I was planning on doing IM New Zealand again I'm going to wait and see how things pan out over the next month if I have the entry fee in October and I either have a homestay arranged through my friend Catherine or the race staff, then I'll go to Taupo in March if not then I will use the money saved for other life endeavors..that's my ultimatum to myself no cheap lodging no go...simple.
If New Zealand doesn't happen I'm might do a cheaper alternative and race the Country Music Marathon again ....just to see if I can beat my first time there, also it gives me an excuse to see an old friend.
IM Arizona is on the schedule ( either tomorrow or Wednesday I'll grab the paper work to re-register the Central Tri Club..so Bjoern and I will be reimbursed our entries.) I was there for Bjoern's first half and I'll be there for his first full, we train together and push one another to the next level so there's no doubt a PR is in both our futures.
The Griskus Sprint ( Surprise) is always on my schedule..it was my first tri I'll keep racing it unless I move off the East Coast.
Patriot is on I was there for the inaugural which was also my first half, so I'm going back for more.
RI 70.3 and Eagleman aren't on the list for next season not because I don't like them but the cost is an issue if I race an Ironman or hopefully 2 if the budget allows, I won't have the cash flow to race all over hell and back, a hard lesson from 08 but a valuable one. I do plan on doing Eagleman again in either 10 or 11 when I've gotten myself set up and have a better idea of what kind of cash I can throw at the sport.
Nutmegman is on the list as it is a final tune up for Arizona as well as the race now owes me big. I have never DNFed before in my life and it leaves a terrible taste in my mouth even if the choice to drop out is the right one.
So in the grand scheme of things I have anywhere from 4-6 races planned, plans always change, I may add or subtract depending on life, training, cash, mindset, I may decide to inflate my rather deflated USAT ranking and do more sprints and intermediate distance races, I may decide to focus on the unglorious task of training and go "into the basement" for 3-4 months just cranking out workouts, whatever I do I am confident that 2009 will be better than 2008, and it will not end with a DNF....which the Hartford Marathon and half marathon are coming up I may yet end 2008 on a high note...
R.D.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
What really matters
Well, in the past few days I have been reminded quite rudely of my place in society. I am a lower working class plebe. I had to rely on the mercy of my mechanic to get my car fixed, I maxed out one of my credit card on books, I still am behind on a couple of bills, and my parent's situation looks like it's going to get worse before it gets better, my grandfather is looking at a more cost effective housing situation which means I might be looking for a roommate in a few months. I have put Ironman New Zealand on the chopping block and am sharpening the axe. I can't, despite all my passionate crap, justify spending the money to go, while part of me wants desperately to use student loan money and my credit cards to finance it, the other part of me is remembering I was in the same boat last year..and look where I ended up. Sure I was happy doing the race socializing, and visiting a country that I would never in my wildest dreams thought I would go to....but was the financial cost worth it, is a week of happiness worth a year of misery. My father leaving/losing his job hurt, I felt like a bum borrowing money for Eagleman and Rhode Island, knowing it was tight. I should have skipped and used the money to pay debts, so that's what I'm debating to do with New Zealand. It may not be good in the short term but in the long term it will pay off, especially if I have rent and utilities to contend with. Also it comes at a crucial time during the school year, can I really justify missing a week to 2 weeks of class, when I'm on the cusp of graduating, and might need the same money for summer courses. My degree and fiscal health are what matters, racing and happiness can wait after all it is better to be stable than happy.
Monday, September 8, 2008
A caged animal
" The world is a scary place now that you've woken up the demon in me."
-Disturbed's Down with the Sickness.
Well I haven't raced in about two months. It seriously has felt like an eternity. It killed me a little to be on the sidelines as some of my favorite races took place without me. At the same time it has allowed me to put some perspective on my life. I need to get myself into a better postion in life. I don't want to end up like my parents or my grandparents, living their whole lives struggling to get by, but at the same time I don't want to be such a miser that I let life pass me by. I was looking at entering Brandford's Hammerfest Triathlon, but upon seeing the entry fee increase decided better of it. So my last attempt at a tri is going to be the Nutmegman Half Iron. I hoping 2 months of pent up energy and frustration will allow me to unleash my fury and aguish on my competiton and that there shall be a wailing, moaning, and grinding of teeth in Southbury, CT on Sept. 21 like there never has been or shall be again, granted my partner in destruction and biggest competition is across the pond in Austria....Bjoern this one's for you buddy! The last two months have been like having my wings clipped, most likely for my better good realizing that as a broke college student I can not compete like a pro or a financially sucessful middle aged age grouper. I need to plan my races better , which is why next year my schedule will be a little more limited. I'm hoping to be able to pull off Ironman New Zealand again, but I'm officially playing that by ear, I will be doing Ironman Arizona next November so if I'm not racing in August/ Spetember I can chalk it up to higher training volume.. but regardless, going into the Nutmeg Half Iron, my cycling is the strongest it's ever been, granted I know I need a little more improving, my swimming is back in it's usually front of the pack shape, and my running well, it's lacked a little bit but I'm no slower than I usually am, depending on the field that shows up I'm confident that I can be a force to be reckoned with....especially with 2 of the big names in my age group sitting out this year. So on September 21, as I charge into the water for the first time in 2+ months I feel confident for my chances at a podium and a sub 5 performance. So now it's just waiting on putting up my entry and kicking this pig.
R.D.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
A life less ordinary
Yesterday, at me grandmother's funeral, the deacon from my parish came up to me and said " so Bob when are you going to start studying to become a deacon?" For those who aren't Catholic, Orthodox, or Anglican, a deacon in these religions is sort of "Priest Lite" you can do everything a priest does, except hear confessions and preform the concencration of Holy Communion or in Catholicism, the most significant part of the mass. I made the comment " When I find the right girl." In the Cathlolic Church once you're ordained you can't get married, deacons can be married but can't remarry if their wife dies, they back this idea in scripture with St. Paul's "be as I am." so because Paul was a lonely bugger all priests have to be lonely buggers, granted in the middle ages Priests could marry but the Church stopped this because they were losing parish lands on the deal, afterall if Father Bob's eldest son didn't want to be a priest he still inherited the parish, and could do with the lands what he wanted..not good if you're the bishop/Vatican and you forked over mucho dinero for that land. Irregardless, I placed a lot of thought on why 2 years ago I thought ordination might be on my to do list but now is sort of a "maybe if life doesn't go as planned, or leads me to it" deal.
1. For as much as I'm devout I do have some issues with church ordination policy. I believe married men should become priests ( maybe not in the religious orders like the Monforts, Franciscans and Jesuits where community living is not conducive to family life.) but for for the local diocese it would definitely help with the priest shortage, and the clergy could better related to the people. Also I believe women should be ordained as deaconesses ( not priests because priest are representative of the 12 apostles who sadly from what we're told, we all dudes.). The role of the deacon at mass is to proclaim the gospel and assist the priest,and help bring the sacraments to the people. In Jesus's day women were responsible for the same role, I think it's time they retake their postion within the clergy.
2. Triathlon is an expensive sport and demanding lifestyle, similarly priests and deacons are called to live humbly and be available to their parishoners at all hours. It's sort of hard to do an Ironman out of town, when people might need to call you suddenly to give their relatives the last rites, or baptize their kid, or marry them....Also how can you preach about humilty and giving up everything for God when you have a $8k carbon fiber rocket chilling in the sacristy.
3.My politics don't always reflect my faith. The church is trying to influence politics especially in Gay rights. Gay rights , for me is cut and dry. We believe in sepreation of church and state. The state wants to give civil rights, marriages/unions, benefit rights to homosexuals. I believe they should afterall these are rights all CITIZENS are guaranteed. The church however doesn't have to reciprocate the Church doesn't recognized civil marriage between a man and a woman the Church doesn't have to recognized marrigae between two dudes or two ladies, unless the college of cardinals and Il Papa decide to.
4. I don't think of myself as pro-life or pro-choice I think of myself as pro-mercy, and pro-compassion.
5. I may not want to marry and pop out little Bob's right now but it could be a real possiblity down the line. Also knowing my luck I'll get ordained go through all the steps to become a priest and after mass number 1 find Miss Right at the communion rail....Lord have Mercy.
6. Don't get me started on Birth Control, In Humane Vitae ( On Human Life by Paul VI which , say what you will about him, he did have a good understanding of corporate greed.), some people use birth control to prevent kids, others use it to regulate themselves to have kids, it's a gray area and it's not as black and white as somepeople would like it to be.
7. I really don't look good in black.....
8. I love the ritual, and sprituality, and good nature of the Catholic faith, but I hate all the political BS, wasn't there something on give to Ceasar what is Ceasar's and give to God what is God's. Also isn't God supposed to be a meciful almost parental force instead of a mean jugdemental tyrant.
9. I don't really believe there is one TRUE faith, all religons have aspects of truth, Catholic Christianity is what brings me closer to God, and forms how I should try to be a good person how dare I condemn a Born Again Christain, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Flying Spaghetti Monster worshiper, if their faith does the same for them. Afterall I think God gives brownie points for being a good person.
10. I'm too much of a smart alec, if the rest of the top 10 list hasn't given that away, I'd be a conservative bishop's worst nightmare. As it is some groups are probably screaming for my excommunication.
Well that's it from me.
1. For as much as I'm devout I do have some issues with church ordination policy. I believe married men should become priests ( maybe not in the religious orders like the Monforts, Franciscans and Jesuits where community living is not conducive to family life.) but for for the local diocese it would definitely help with the priest shortage, and the clergy could better related to the people. Also I believe women should be ordained as deaconesses ( not priests because priest are representative of the 12 apostles who sadly from what we're told, we all dudes.). The role of the deacon at mass is to proclaim the gospel and assist the priest,and help bring the sacraments to the people. In Jesus's day women were responsible for the same role, I think it's time they retake their postion within the clergy.
2. Triathlon is an expensive sport and demanding lifestyle, similarly priests and deacons are called to live humbly and be available to their parishoners at all hours. It's sort of hard to do an Ironman out of town, when people might need to call you suddenly to give their relatives the last rites, or baptize their kid, or marry them....Also how can you preach about humilty and giving up everything for God when you have a $8k carbon fiber rocket chilling in the sacristy.
3.My politics don't always reflect my faith. The church is trying to influence politics especially in Gay rights. Gay rights , for me is cut and dry. We believe in sepreation of church and state. The state wants to give civil rights, marriages/unions, benefit rights to homosexuals. I believe they should afterall these are rights all CITIZENS are guaranteed. The church however doesn't have to reciprocate the Church doesn't recognized civil marriage between a man and a woman the Church doesn't have to recognized marrigae between two dudes or two ladies, unless the college of cardinals and Il Papa decide to.
4. I don't think of myself as pro-life or pro-choice I think of myself as pro-mercy, and pro-compassion.
5. I may not want to marry and pop out little Bob's right now but it could be a real possiblity down the line. Also knowing my luck I'll get ordained go through all the steps to become a priest and after mass number 1 find Miss Right at the communion rail....Lord have Mercy.
6. Don't get me started on Birth Control, In Humane Vitae ( On Human Life by Paul VI which , say what you will about him, he did have a good understanding of corporate greed.), some people use birth control to prevent kids, others use it to regulate themselves to have kids, it's a gray area and it's not as black and white as somepeople would like it to be.
7. I really don't look good in black.....
8. I love the ritual, and sprituality, and good nature of the Catholic faith, but I hate all the political BS, wasn't there something on give to Ceasar what is Ceasar's and give to God what is God's. Also isn't God supposed to be a meciful almost parental force instead of a mean jugdemental tyrant.
9. I don't really believe there is one TRUE faith, all religons have aspects of truth, Catholic Christianity is what brings me closer to God, and forms how I should try to be a good person how dare I condemn a Born Again Christain, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Flying Spaghetti Monster worshiper, if their faith does the same for them. Afterall I think God gives brownie points for being a good person.
10. I'm too much of a smart alec, if the rest of the top 10 list hasn't given that away, I'd be a conservative bishop's worst nightmare. As it is some groups are probably screaming for my excommunication.
Well that's it from me.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Wantabe
Upon reading several blogs most notably those of John Hirsch and Bree Wee I have gotten different perspectives of the sport of triathlon. John is a grisled veteran coming into the final 3-4 years of his pro staus writing about how this maybe the next couple of years might be his peak. He balances, a "real job", relationships and his real life with racing ,training,and coaching. Bree Wee is a former age grouper who has just entered the "pro world" and at an amazingly high level. She writes with the excitement of a newbie, exposing the almost secret world of the pros ( which is a lot like the age group world except devoted more to training, sponsorship, and getting paid to compete.) Upon reading the blogs and race reports of pro athletes I find myself in shock and amazement at how easy it looks, but how hard it really is. When you read about practices averaging 6:30/mile pace on the run, sub-5 hour bike splits, sub 3 hour marathons, a 47 min 2.4 mile (3.8km) swim, there is nothing but amazement. ( Especially from a kid who has manage to average under 6 min. miles only once in his career, and that was a 2 mile (3.2km) track race in high school.)
Part of me would really like to develop the talent to go pro. In 2007 I though I was hot. I had podiumed in my age group every race, Won against a semi-competitive at Park City. Even in early 2008 I still though I was hot stuff. Ironman New Zealand I did an 11:18 with very limited bike training ( granted I was the slowest American in my Age group, but I still managed to top half in the AG and top third overall.) Eagleman I managed to hang on for 7th on a rough day, when all but the best runners were reduced to a death march in merciless heat. But the last two half-Irons were the ones that have cut me down to size. At the Patriot Half I had a solid swim split and a decent bike split, but I just couldn't get my running legs to turn over. It was the first time my run leg had been a weakness and I had been passed more than I was passing. I finished behind all but 2 of the other elite men, but it was my first time as an elite. Rhode Island the following weekend, I got humbled and hard. 16th in My age group ( that's the humble part)and 197th out of 2000+ finishers ( The good part but a sign for the talent of the young guys). Maybe it was my training, or lack thereof, maybe it was the headgames of watching two guys infront of me go down hard, maybe it was my crazy two halves and a sprint in eight days, lack of sleep, bad nutrition,a whole list of other varibles,( the Canadians and New England's best came to play) or maybe it was a sign of "Bob, you're not as good as you thought, leave the elite ranks to the fast kids."
Maybe the reason I want to go pro is to get the ghost of former swim and track coaches off my back. To get the word's "You work hard but you'll never be champion." out of my ears. To stop being the kid with all the desire but none of the talent. To take those words bury them and toss a nice lily on their grave. Maybe it's the idea of being paid for what I love to do, to realize there is more to life than working nine to five, and ending up that crazy guy who does this crap on the side as an escape from his "real life." To live out some crazy childhood dream But irregardless, that's neither here nor there at this moment in time. The thing after every race I'm always left wondering will I ever be fast enough to become a pro or will I always be a wantabe.
Part of me would really like to develop the talent to go pro. In 2007 I though I was hot. I had podiumed in my age group every race, Won against a semi-competitive at Park City. Even in early 2008 I still though I was hot stuff. Ironman New Zealand I did an 11:18 with very limited bike training ( granted I was the slowest American in my Age group, but I still managed to top half in the AG and top third overall.) Eagleman I managed to hang on for 7th on a rough day, when all but the best runners were reduced to a death march in merciless heat. But the last two half-Irons were the ones that have cut me down to size. At the Patriot Half I had a solid swim split and a decent bike split, but I just couldn't get my running legs to turn over. It was the first time my run leg had been a weakness and I had been passed more than I was passing. I finished behind all but 2 of the other elite men, but it was my first time as an elite. Rhode Island the following weekend, I got humbled and hard. 16th in My age group ( that's the humble part)and 197th out of 2000+ finishers ( The good part but a sign for the talent of the young guys). Maybe it was my training, or lack thereof, maybe it was the headgames of watching two guys infront of me go down hard, maybe it was my crazy two halves and a sprint in eight days, lack of sleep, bad nutrition,a whole list of other varibles,( the Canadians and New England's best came to play) or maybe it was a sign of "Bob, you're not as good as you thought, leave the elite ranks to the fast kids."
Maybe the reason I want to go pro is to get the ghost of former swim and track coaches off my back. To get the word's "You work hard but you'll never be champion." out of my ears. To stop being the kid with all the desire but none of the talent. To take those words bury them and toss a nice lily on their grave. Maybe it's the idea of being paid for what I love to do, to realize there is more to life than working nine to five, and ending up that crazy guy who does this crap on the side as an escape from his "real life." To live out some crazy childhood dream But irregardless, that's neither here nor there at this moment in time. The thing after every race I'm always left wondering will I ever be fast enough to become a pro or will I always be a wantabe.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
The Athletic Mercenary
Bernard Lagat, Becky Hammon, Lisa Stublic what do the three have in common, they were born in one country but were representing/trying to represent another in this year's Olympics. The cases of Lagat and Hammon are probably the most famous/infamous. Lagat, who had gone to college, trained and competed in the United States was finally granted US Citizenship and would compete wearing the Red, white and Blue in Beijing instead of the Black, green, and red of his native Kenya. Hammon spurned by team USA coaches decision to not take her decided to use her parent's double citizenship to get on to the Russian National team. Former Connecticut Track great Lisa Stublic she was using her Croatian double citizenship to try to qualify for the women's steeple chase ( Sadly she failed to make the "B" qualifying standard).
It leaves an interesting question should athletes be allowed to change their nationality to compete? It a sporting rich country such as the United States, some of the best athletes may miss making an Olympic team by hundredths of a second, especially in sports like swimming where only two athletes can qualify for a given event. For some athletes, a reasonable option is competing for another country that doesn't have as deep of a talent pool. It may not be unreasonable, if like in the case of Lagat, the person has been living and training in their adopted country for a number of years. Or in Stublic's case if they still have familial ties (ie relatives still living )in the country they are representing. The other argument is on the duel citizenship, in some country's citizenship is awarded up to two generations from the first expatriate ( layman's terms, Grandpa left Ireland for the US so sonny and grandsonny can get Irish citizenship.) Stublic's dad was born and raised in Croatia and emigrated to the US so in her case she still has strong ties, but let's say me, a third generation American ( longer on Dad's side.), was to find some loop hole that would allow me to get Lithuanian citizenship ( great grandpa on Mom's side was from the Lithuania) so I could swim or do Tri for them if I made the time standards. Would I be right in doing so? For one I know little to nothing about the country ( except it's a Baltic State, Predominately Catholic, and was a pain in the Soviet's side.) I don't speak the language, I know very little about the culture, so if I was to win a gold medal for them and heard a National Anthem I don't even know the words to, for a country I don't know, would it not seem a bit hypocritical, but at the same time if I was the World number 3 in swimming second only to two other Americans would it not be a waste of talent, time and effort, not to do everything possible to compete.
In Hammon's case what has made her a social pariah may not be the way she went about getting into the games but the country she representing. Hammon, born and bred in the US is representing Russia. Yes, that's right Russia, formerly the USSR, formerly the Evil Empire, Formerly Stalin's Stomping ground, the Antagonists to the 1980 Miracle on Ice, and a source of tremeandous bad blood in the infamous 1972 3sec. from gold USA/USSR Gold medal basketball game. (The USSR won after a decision to reset the clock to 3sec. when a Soviet coaches call for a timeout went unanswered what resulted were two confusing sequences, one when the clock was being reset and the refs resumed play and the US thought they won, then the official restart in which the USSR got the ball to the net and got past the US for gold. To this day that men's basketball team has not and swore they will not accept their silver medals.) So a US kid playing for Russia, can be seen as treason to many especially those of us from the Cold War generations.
For athletes in powerhouse countries such as the United States, the decision between athletic goals and patriotism are a heartbreaking double edged sword. On one side if an athlete does the "right thing" and try to represent the US and get shut out at Olympic trials or team selections, they live with the knowledge that you will be an unknown and all the years of hard work, sacrifice, and desire were for naught. If they choose to represent someone else ( especially a Cold War enemy) they are seen in the same hue as Benedict Arnold. For athletes on the bubble, an agonizing decison awaits them what drives them more, love of sport, or love of country.
It leaves an interesting question should athletes be allowed to change their nationality to compete? It a sporting rich country such as the United States, some of the best athletes may miss making an Olympic team by hundredths of a second, especially in sports like swimming where only two athletes can qualify for a given event. For some athletes, a reasonable option is competing for another country that doesn't have as deep of a talent pool. It may not be unreasonable, if like in the case of Lagat, the person has been living and training in their adopted country for a number of years. Or in Stublic's case if they still have familial ties (ie relatives still living )in the country they are representing. The other argument is on the duel citizenship, in some country's citizenship is awarded up to two generations from the first expatriate ( layman's terms, Grandpa left Ireland for the US so sonny and grandsonny can get Irish citizenship.) Stublic's dad was born and raised in Croatia and emigrated to the US so in her case she still has strong ties, but let's say me, a third generation American ( longer on Dad's side.), was to find some loop hole that would allow me to get Lithuanian citizenship ( great grandpa on Mom's side was from the Lithuania) so I could swim or do Tri for them if I made the time standards. Would I be right in doing so? For one I know little to nothing about the country ( except it's a Baltic State, Predominately Catholic, and was a pain in the Soviet's side.) I don't speak the language, I know very little about the culture, so if I was to win a gold medal for them and heard a National Anthem I don't even know the words to, for a country I don't know, would it not seem a bit hypocritical, but at the same time if I was the World number 3 in swimming second only to two other Americans would it not be a waste of talent, time and effort, not to do everything possible to compete.
In Hammon's case what has made her a social pariah may not be the way she went about getting into the games but the country she representing. Hammon, born and bred in the US is representing Russia. Yes, that's right Russia, formerly the USSR, formerly the Evil Empire, Formerly Stalin's Stomping ground, the Antagonists to the 1980 Miracle on Ice, and a source of tremeandous bad blood in the infamous 1972 3sec. from gold USA/USSR Gold medal basketball game. (The USSR won after a decision to reset the clock to 3sec. when a Soviet coaches call for a timeout went unanswered what resulted were two confusing sequences, one when the clock was being reset and the refs resumed play and the US thought they won, then the official restart in which the USSR got the ball to the net and got past the US for gold. To this day that men's basketball team has not and swore they will not accept their silver medals.) So a US kid playing for Russia, can be seen as treason to many especially those of us from the Cold War generations.
For athletes in powerhouse countries such as the United States, the decision between athletic goals and patriotism are a heartbreaking double edged sword. On one side if an athlete does the "right thing" and try to represent the US and get shut out at Olympic trials or team selections, they live with the knowledge that you will be an unknown and all the years of hard work, sacrifice, and desire were for naught. If they choose to represent someone else ( especially a Cold War enemy) they are seen in the same hue as Benedict Arnold. For athletes on the bubble, an agonizing decison awaits them what drives them more, love of sport, or love of country.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Second Place is the first loser?
"Winning isn't everything...it's the only thing." -Vince Lombardi
Last night NBC showed the women's pole vault and it turned into a duel between Jennifer Stuczynski of the US and Elena Isinbaeva, the current world record holder, from Russia. The two were going vault for vault until Stuczynski missed tying her own American record. Isinbaeva went on to break her own olympic and world records, but what was shocking was the reaction of Stuczynski's coach. Instead of the "ok we got silver, let's get back to the training grounds in a couple of weeks and we'll prep for the world championships." It was a litnany of the faults that she had done in that and the previous two attempts at her record followed by the snide remark " I guess silver isn't bad for someone who's been doing this for four years." For one thing Stuczynski's medal after doing the sport for four years is a massive accomplishment, the only person who beat her is the world champion, who by the way has been doing it longer. For someone who's been doing a sport for only four years she schooled several competitiors that have been doing this for almost a decade, she has nothing to be ashamed of....except she wasn't good enough gold. She showed more class than her coach, she talked to reporters despite the fact she probably wanted to hang herself by her shoe laces after the tounge lashing..and tried to hold her head high .
This incident leads me to ponder, Is Second place really the first loser? The reaction of Stuczynski's coach was in stark contrast to the men's gymnastics team which pulled a shocking upset for Bronze. The way those guys were celebrating you would have thought they won gold and set 8 world records in the process. Dara Torres earning the silver in the Women's 50m Free and silver on the 4x100 medley relay. There were no snide comments of "good for a middle-aged mother of 1." "Or you really should have exploded more off the blocks, and you turnover, well what happended, you swim faster in practice." They were athletes doing the best they could on a given day and on that given day there was somebody who was just a bit better. So does that mean they're losers? Tell you what when you can do a routine on Pommel Horse and score a 15, Pole Vault over 16 feet or you're 41 and swimming close to world record pace give me a call. Then you can call these athletes losers, leave the snide comments, and boast on how they are no talent bums, but for the rest of us struggling along in the sports world, being able to qualify for the olympics let alone win a medal would be a honor. But at the same time when you go into any competition the main goal is to win. So to stop beating around the bush is second place the first loser, I guess you'd have the person who came in second.
Last night NBC showed the women's pole vault and it turned into a duel between Jennifer Stuczynski of the US and Elena Isinbaeva, the current world record holder, from Russia. The two were going vault for vault until Stuczynski missed tying her own American record. Isinbaeva went on to break her own olympic and world records, but what was shocking was the reaction of Stuczynski's coach. Instead of the "ok we got silver, let's get back to the training grounds in a couple of weeks and we'll prep for the world championships." It was a litnany of the faults that she had done in that and the previous two attempts at her record followed by the snide remark " I guess silver isn't bad for someone who's been doing this for four years." For one thing Stuczynski's medal after doing the sport for four years is a massive accomplishment, the only person who beat her is the world champion, who by the way has been doing it longer. For someone who's been doing a sport for only four years she schooled several competitiors that have been doing this for almost a decade, she has nothing to be ashamed of....except she wasn't good enough gold. She showed more class than her coach, she talked to reporters despite the fact she probably wanted to hang herself by her shoe laces after the tounge lashing..and tried to hold her head high .
This incident leads me to ponder, Is Second place really the first loser? The reaction of Stuczynski's coach was in stark contrast to the men's gymnastics team which pulled a shocking upset for Bronze. The way those guys were celebrating you would have thought they won gold and set 8 world records in the process. Dara Torres earning the silver in the Women's 50m Free and silver on the 4x100 medley relay. There were no snide comments of "good for a middle-aged mother of 1." "Or you really should have exploded more off the blocks, and you turnover, well what happended, you swim faster in practice." They were athletes doing the best they could on a given day and on that given day there was somebody who was just a bit better. So does that mean they're losers? Tell you what when you can do a routine on Pommel Horse and score a 15, Pole Vault over 16 feet or you're 41 and swimming close to world record pace give me a call. Then you can call these athletes losers, leave the snide comments, and boast on how they are no talent bums, but for the rest of us struggling along in the sports world, being able to qualify for the olympics let alone win a medal would be a honor. But at the same time when you go into any competition the main goal is to win. So to stop beating around the bush is second place the first loser, I guess you'd have the person who came in second.
About this blog.
Well for my familiar readers you may be wondering why I put up a new site, the reasons are many but I believe there is some content I want to express that doesn't fit the brash writing style I convey on my other blog. So while my other blog will continue with my posts of race reports, things that tick me off, and the more colorful side of my personality, this blog will express more of the spritual, artistic, and analytical side of me, in essence what I think,or jot in notebooks but never seem to get around to putting up.
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